I'm doin alright...

"I'm writing the folks back home to tell them 'Hey, i'm doin' alright' " - The Format

It was on a porch swing on the 4th of July. I came to the realization that I was going to be ok. I can handle hard times and I don't need to always be doing great, being alright is just fine with me. I realized I needed to stop living my life by everyone else's plans and just breath for a minute or two and just enjoy the days and life I have been given. I stopped trying to fix myself and let time step in and begin to create something that will someday hopefully be worthwhile. I made peace with pain and accepted the fact that it is there. I found myself again in the conversations with friends, with my family, with God. I realized I am trying and that is all I really can do. Things work out.

"For the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" - Joshua Radin

I sat with you and felt the breeze

I accepted love and was realized

We all were home again, just like how we had always talked about

We all left our sand houses

We each found our way back to the rock

When we got there we all discovered we were missing the same thing

Each other and the anchors

I believe in good because I have witnessed many good things

I know that God is aware

I found out I was never really lost

I just forgot where I was going

But my letters found their way to you

and now I am sure of where I am going

It is a good feeling when you start thinking about the possibilities.

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." - C.S. Lewis

Content,

A postcard from a traveler ( cause no one is ever really lost, they just don't know what they are looking for )

Life After The World Is Over

The countdown came and went and I'm still here. I made it through another prediction. Now, I can breath just a slight sigh of relief.

I'll admit I was nervous about the end of the world prediction. Just a tad, though. I think it's just my anxious mind wondering "Could this crazy guy be right? I mean, everyone called Noah crazy, only his family and two of each animal believed him, and look at what happened!" However, I am glad I know that I have a Heavenly Father that is aware of me and that I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ (learn more here), which doesn't make me afraid but provides comfort, in good times and bad. God is good, in a temporal and eternal sort of way.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.-C.S. Lewis

However, all this end of the world stuff made me think, was I really ready for it all to end? I mean, I know in the long run eternity exists and whatever exists matters for something, as to what everything means, I think that will take many long walks and quiet nights to figure out. I do know that all that matters is that I am actually looking, asking and trying to listen.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.-C.S. Lewis

I think there is always some conflict in every soul, at least in every soul who believes in the Father of their soul and believes they have a home which defines happiness in every sense of the word. That conflict of what we want and what we believe God will is for us. I know that for some, the fear is the will of God has nothing that interest or incentive to them other than a heavenly reward and a clear conscious. I know I have often wondered that for myself. However, I have often that thought that what truly makes us happy and what is God's will often overlap and are truly the same thing. After all, God's desire is for us to be as happy as He is. His intentions for us cannot be adequately described as 'for our own good'. It is not just our own good he has in mind, it's our joy, in the past, present and future.

Joy is the serious business of heaven- C.S. Lewis

And now that I come to think of it, those things which I desire most is those things which most are those thing which I know God would approve of. I desire family, friendship, truth, beauty, creation, peace; the things will never grow old to the soul and refine in taste as time accumulates it's value.

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on joke- C.S. Lewis

However, I think those things that makes us happy never just fall into our lap. It's always seems to fall into the lap of those who don't care and seems to evade those who try so desperately to attain it. The pain and trials seem to make no sense. However, when I am able to step back and look at everything with clear eyes, I realize that this was part of the plan He had all along. Pain is the price tag of those things which we hold dear to our hearts. Again, I think C.S. Lewis puts it best

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be rung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Rap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your own selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not become broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irreedemable. The alternative to tragedy or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is in hell-C.S. Lewis

Knowing those dangers, it makes me scared, but my yearning for things of eternity are far greater than any fear that may arise in me. I will wish and strive for those things which will bring me happiness, which will bring me eternity; family, friends, love, words, truth...

And the pain I experience now and in the past will one day be the best part of the story, it will only be a prelude to better things that came. And for now, I will be content knowing that one day, this will only be a verse to the song, not the chorus.

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers-Gordon B. Hinckley (I miss him dearly)

So I'll continue to hear the predictions about the end of the world and the destruction everyone seems to be so obsessed with. And in the midst of all the madness, I will try and clear the smoke from my eyes and see what is truly worthwhile in the world. And then me and you will sit and enjoy each other and the everything good in the world... I look forward to these conversations.

Eager to live,

A postcard from the lost( but not necessarily hopeless)

I think this song captures the true meaning of joy, family and love...

Have you seen my ghost?

"So that's how I learned the lesson that everyones alone and you eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow. But when crying don't help, you can't compose yourself, it's best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope."-Bright Eyes

Chance is what I count on and how I make it through. Found a ghost in my bedroom and quickly found a friend. Said all the things I was scared to say just to say them. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and cleared the cob webs from inside my head. Dealt with life and death day in and day out, thought I would come away stronger but I just came away exhausted. Put one foot in front of the other only to jump backwards. This was the high wire act to which I had been attempting to scale. Kept on thinking of the books I was meaning to read and the things I was trying to write but only could see.

I was up in Seattle recently, I wish I could say the same for my mind. I intend to enjoy the city in it's fullness next time I am up there. I will walk around Pikes market and pretend I am an intellectual or some bohemian that lives in the city and creates things no one can really understand. I will enjoy the rain. I will feel things I want to feel, I will see the goodness of things. My mind was off worrying about the pointless yet again and robbed me of a good time. Worrying is just a bad habit that is so hard to break.

"Are you some kind of medicine man? Cut the demons out of my head"-Wintersleep

Doctor, please help me find myself again? I fell off a cliff trying to be hero to a person who never bothered to notice. I fell down to the bottom and it hurts to get back up, so I have stayed here sending letters and seeking recommendations, reading books and convincing myself that they were all wrong. And I stare off into space for hours as I mull over scary movies inside my head. I wonder about time and pain and which will be the first to end. I wonder about myself and all my friends. I wonder about all the letters that were returned back to me. I wonder what it feels like to feel free. So Doctor, please don't prescribe me a light blue or tiny white pill, just give me a reason to feel hope and make time stand still. Doctor, Doctor, see me through, or anyone who claims to heal the lame and crippled.

On other notes, music has been found that is quite great, check out this!

Or this....

And finally this (maybe my favorite jazz moment of all time) This one ain't bad either (check it out)

The jazz got the number 3 pick, life can't be all bad.

Waiting for the draft,

A postcard from the lost (and looking for my ghost)

P.S. Be good to people, don't be like this guy....

Mom

It is a couple hours into mothers day and my mom is sitting next to me watching the biography channel and I am writing this dedicatory post to her, she has no clue I am writing about her. She thinks I am on facebook (which is true, but this is where my concentration lies for the time being).

Mothers Day is a special day, after all it is one of two days I got to call home on my mission. That shows how important the day is, and most importantly, how important my mom is.

I have the best mom in the world but more importantly, I have the best mom for me. A lot of the time I don't need to say anything, she can tell exactly what is going on with me just from the look on my face or by the way my voice sounds. My mom knows me better than anyone.

I am also lucky to have a mom that is a mom to a lot of other people than just her kids. Her maternal instincts stretch far beyond blood lines and reaches anyone who just needs a mother figure at a particular point and time and don't have one available for one reason or another. My mom is on call 24/7 for anyone that just needs a mom.

Most importantly, I have never once ever felt like my mom wasn't there for me, and I know that in the crazy world we live in today, I am beyond lucky to have the mom I have, especially lately. The sea has been especially rough and everything before me just seems to terrify me. How grateful I am to have my mom there, to let me know everything will be fine. I think the moment that defines my mom and me the best was when I left on my mission. When the time came to say goodbye, I was more scared than I ever had been in my life. I didn't know if I could do it. I was terrified. I started crying like I was 3 years old again, I was just so scared. My mom was of course crying, cause that's what moms do, especially when they send their little boys off to help others for two years. As I hugged my mom for the last time, all I could say was "Mom, I am scared." What she said next got me through every discouragement and fear during those two years and have always been in the back of my mind whenever life gets a little more difficult than I expected. "I know you are scared, but I wouldn't let you go if I didn't think you were ready."

Those words are the only thing that could have gotten me through the door and on my to one of the best experiences of my life. I realized that day that any courage I have ever showed in my life is because my mother believed in me. No one else inspires me to believe in myself like my mom. She is the only reason I keep trying sometimes, because I know that if my mom knows believe in me, then there just might be a chance everything will turn out better than I expected.

Mom, you are my courage. Thanks for being my mom.

Grateful,

A postcard from the lost (but proud to be the son of an incredible mother)

"Mother: the most beautiful word on the lips on mankind"- Kahlil Gibran

Top tens, maybe top fives...

Sometimes I make top ten lists, just for fun. I do it to pass the time. I do it prioritize. I do it just cause. So here are some top tens, and some top fives because some lists aren't worth being having ten spots.

Top ten albums that define me (this list constantly changes and they are in no particular order, that would make this list impossible)

1. The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me-Brand New

This album is genius and hard to listen to. It racks your soul, but that is a defining trait of great music. You keep thinking about it long after the song is over, it makes you look inside yourself. This may be my favorite album of all time. Key tracks: Millstone, You Won't Know, Archers

2.So Much For The Afterglow-Everclear

I know, its a drastically different from anything Brand New has done but you must understand where I came from. Everclear was my first legit favorite band. I had all their cds. I know the words to all their songs. Not a lot of kids my age liked Everclear or even knew who they were but I did and it made me feel cool, unique, like I knew something. Everything with me and music started with Everclear. Bless them.

3.Tell All Your Friends-Taking Back Sunday

I remember buying this cd. I had just turned 16, I was sophmore in high school. I was weird smelly teenager, awkward and was just looking for a place to fit in. I decided music was gonna be my thing. I wasn't good at any sports. I am not an artist. I still consider myself void of almost any talent. So I decided I would be that kid who knew obscure bands and didn't listen to the radio. I walked into Target that day to buy the White Stripes album Elephant. I got it then just scanned through some of the other cds. I saw this cd by taking back sunday and thought to myself "I've seen a lot of the punk kids wearing taking back sunday shirts lately. I guess this is what all the fuss is about." So I went out on a limb and bought it. One of the best random buys I have ever made and totally altered my course in music and pretty much my high school journey from there on out. Just FYI, I grew out of my emo phase a long time ago and am so glad I did. But I still love those bands, but for more nostalgic reasons. I still listen to the music of my youth.

Key Tracks: You Know How I Do, Great Romances of the 20th Century, Timberwolves At New Jersey. Basically just listen to the whole album through.

4. Stay What You Are-Saves The Day

I remember a conversation I had when I was on my mission. My buddy and I were talking about what album we would choose if we could only have one album to listen during the mission that wasn't Mo-tab or EFY p-day music. I chose this one hands down. Saves The Day is one of my all time favs and this album is near perfection. I love every song on this album. This album makes me lose track of time when I listen to it. I like that. Plus I love the lyrics, very unique and creative. Key Tracks: This Is Not An Exit, Firefly, At Your Funeral

5. Hi, Everything's Great-Limbeck

This album is summer, plain and simple. It also it a road trip album, a summer road trip album. Every song instantly puts me in a good mood and makes me grateful for friends and good conversation. If you want to bring in the summer, listen to this album and just drive. Love this album. That is all. Amen

6. Interventions & Lullabies - The Format

This album reminds me of my senior year. It was playing constantly in my ear. The songs were catchy and some of the songs had a slight twang to it. I loved it. Plus, I found out about Limbeck through the format. Good music leads you to better music, that's my theory.

7.Deja Entendu-Brand New

I remember buying this cd after hearing one song "The Quiet Things That No-one Ever Knows". I remember listening to the rest of the album and thinking "I don't get it. In fact, this cd sucks save this one song."I shelved it for 4 months. Then one day I put it in the cd player and just gave it a try. This time, I heard it as genius. Jesse Lacey writes lyrics like no other. I am glad I gave this album a second shot because it changed the way I looked at music, and basically everything else for that matter.

8. Several Arrows Later-Matt Pond PA

This album always reminds me of fall. It sounds like leaves changing colors and crisp air. If I had to list an album for each season it would be these four: Spring: Slow Motion Daydream-Everclear Summer: Hi, Everything's Great-Limbeck Fall: Several Arrows Later-Matt Pond PA Winter: Deja Entendu-Brand New

9. Something To Write Home About-The Get Up Kids

Just a good album, reminds me of feeling youthful. I like it, alot.

10. Is a Real Boy...-Say Anything

Max Bemis is one of my favorite lyricists. Very tongue in cheek. Witty. Funny. Shamefully Honest. Say yes to say anything.

Honorable mentions: Chutes Too Narrow-The Shins, Is This It?-The Strokes, The Wild Hunt-Tallest Man On Earth, Worse For the Wear-The New Amsterdams, A Rush of Blood to the Head-Coldplay, and too many others to name...

Enjoy what is meant to be enjoyed and ignore that which was meant to distress. Summer is almost here. Get ready for it...

Share your tops tens, not just music but anything...

Prioritizing,

A postcard from the lost (in the music)

No Envy, No Fear

"Brother, we all see. You are hiding out so painfully. See yourself come out to play. A lover's rain will wash away your envy and your fear. So have no envy, no fear..."- Joshua Radin

Remember basketball on the playground

Remember the long talks

Remember the music

Remember Garden State

Remember the letters

Remember the summer

Remember please?

I am just scared you forgot...

"This is not how I want to be forgotten."-Matt Pond PA

People come and go, that is one of the hardest parts of life, especially when it is people that have been in your life for a time worth noting. It is the best friend getting married, the grandparent making their peace and leaving for a better place, never to return, only to wait for you to come to them. It is the child growing up, it is the realization that you both have changed. It is the realization it will never be like it was before. What you thought was the present has become the past, and you realize you don't know where you are anymore, you aren't even sure of yourself.

I remember thinking what life would be like when I was 22, 23, 24.... I had such a big dreams, big plans, big expectations. Now all I have is worry and what could have beens. Then again, life was never meant to be scripted, something I have painfully learned through experience.

"What was so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag..."-Bright Eyes

I just miss some people. I always wanted to grow up someday, I just didn't want to grow up alone. I always want people to stay, I don't like leaving.

If I had a chance to talk to you, I'd tell you it's ok, we all have fear. I'd remind you of who you are. I'd remind you of how envious I have been of you at times. I'd let you know that some things just aren't worth the time anymore since you left. Sometimes I find myself wanting to laugh, but you aren't there to join me. Laughing isn't what it used to be since you aren't around. You weren't around to talk basketball at all this season. I wish there was someone around me that was as excited about the playoffs as I am, or even someone just to watch them with. Is it ok to say that I miss you? Is it ok to say people need you? That I need you around? What about our plans? Moving in next to each other? Our kids were supposed to grow up to be best friends. Now I even wonder if you will be around for when our brother gets married. We have been waiting for you to come home. Please come home.

"We all want to tell you we wish that you were still around"-Matt Pryor

I just want my friend back. I just don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want anyone else to leave. But I guess that is what growing up is, people leaving... I want to do all the things I need to, I just don't know if I can do it alone.

"Everyday we try to find. We search our hearts and our minds. The place we used to call our home can't be found when we're alone. So have no envy and no fear. No envy and no fear..."-Joshua Radin

You said come home

and I told you I would in time

one day i'll be back to make peace

and fill my chair at the dinner table

to let you know where I have been

and what I saw

all the while I was gone

I was thinking of you

and all the tales that would make you proud of me

So for now, all I have is books and a pen

and a guitar that isn't much good in my hands

I do still have my plans and my dreams

in fact, that's all I have anymore...

"I didn't want to go home but I like my home now"-Limbeck

Remain,

A postcard from the lost (but will be found in time)

P.S. Listen to this during your travels, let me know what you think...

check it out here.

Pointless

It's Wednesday... it appeared out of no where. I lose track of time sometimes. Sometimes I think its theraputic to lose track of time. When you forget time, growth becomes more natural. It is less forced. Things come in their own way, and often we forget to also let them come in their own time. Everyone has their own clock. I feel like my second hand skips at time and gets stuck at others.

"Days bunch up in weeks, collaborate in months against me"-The Honorary Title

It's days like this that you wonder how time crept up on you this fast, or how you got to the place you are at. It could be the fact I have a huge paper to do that I have seriously procrastinated. It could be the fact that days have turned into nights and nights turned into days. Insomnia or anxiety... what is the difference? The end result is the same: Fatigue.

Worrying leads to restlessness

Restlessness turns into insomnia

Insomnia produces loneliness

Loneliness ruins sunshine

"Sometimes I get so lonely I forget what day it is, and how to spell my own name"-Lars and the Real Girl (I rediscovered the genius of that movie. Rediscovery is almost as good as the the initial discovery. It's like finding yourself again or seeing a good friend after years of separation. It's a reunion of you and truth.)

I have this research paper to do for English. I should be excited though, this is my last English class then I am done. I chose the topic of the possibilities of a another cold war taking place should the internet become a human right. At first I felt really intelligent coming up with a topic like that. Right now, regret is setting in as it feels impossible to find sources that will help support my argument, or even dis-prove it for that matter. What was I thinking? I feel ambitious sometimes but over achieving has never been my talent.

This is my constant flow of thought. Pointless, random, and never unique. I just talk to console myself, and to help me realize I am still breathing and there are still things to be grateful for.

I am lost... or at least someone told me I should be.

This is is just ramblings, grumblings, thoughts.

Sorry I wasted your time,

A postcard from the lost