Genesis

"I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care I was being careful, made sure I showed it to those that I loved. I used to sleep without a single stir because I was about my father's work" - Brand New

This blog came to be from a dark place. It's orgins in pain. How you might ask? I will give a brief run down:

I was 23 and completely lost. I came to that realization on a December morning. I was sitting in class and it seemed in a matter of moments everything inside my head just crumbled, every confident and good thing seemed to vanish. Dread and fear replaced it instantly. My house of cards collapsed. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep at night. My days felt like nightmares. My mind just kept playing movies again over and over in my head, except the endings were never good. It was happening. Years worth of pain and anguish seem to come flooding out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't ignore it. I had to face it. I had to start working through it. 

What was the cause of pain? If I had to pick one word: Life. Yeah life is painful thing, and I had come to learn it the hard way. It's not that my life was some great disaster or tragedy. But I had my trials. I was not unique with the trials I faced. The feelings of inadequecy, the low supply of self esteem, coming to grips with failure, having dreams go unfufilled, the questioning of God, the doubt of who you really are, the pressure of trying to match up to everyone else, the burden of knowing your faults, the tragedy of knowing who you love and who didn't return the favor, being replaced, knowing your replaceable, realizing how cruel the world is, watching people self destruct right in front of you, the torture of not having all the answers. Yes, I had experienced all of that. I thought I had dealt with it, but within a matter of seconds on that December morning the real problem presented itself. I had to change, things weren't working, I had to fix myself. I had to take apart my head and find myself again.

And so it began, and in the midst of all this confusion and pain, the postcards from the lost was created. A very fitting title at the time. I had started writing in high school, always trying to imitate my favorite song writers of the time, trying to come up with those cleverly spiteful heart broken teenage anthems of my day (yeah, the whole emo thing had it's hay day when I was in high school, and sadly I got caught up in it a little. Emo, what a pathetic fad. Where it's cool to be sad and problems are more valuable than solutions. I guess that is how you grow up though, by going through stupid, embarrassing phases.) I always felt like writing was the closest thing to art I could create. I was never musically gifted. My stick figures are mediocre at best. Yup, words were the only thing I had. So I began writing, trying to exorcise the curses and cut the demons out of my head.

Eventually, after months of soul searching and close calls, the storm calmed. Hopefully one may notice posts getting slightly more hopeful over time. And that is the beginning. I hope it makes sense. Writing can heal. It was crucial in my healing and continues to be outlet. I hope you can find companionship in what I have to share. If anything, I hope you can avoid the pitfalls I fall into time and time again.

"Close your eyes and cover your ears, for the end is near. But the beginning is here..." - The Format