Sunshine ...

"Smile when you feel the sunlight"- The Format

Summer, it's been too long since I have seen or heard from you. I need reason to be happy again, I need reason to be hopeful. I need summer, I need you...

It's not in the success I find comfort, nor in the gain of that which is temporal. I find my peace in the sunlight, in the nights that I wish would last for days that would turn into weeks. It is here where I will make memories, it is then I will make my escape. It is there I will find purpose, it is there I will find myself and what I intended all along...

I don't know what it is about summer, it is hard to explain what separates it from everything else. I no longer have the reason of school holidays or summer camps. Yet the craving for sunlight and long days are still there. Maybe it is the memories which I anticipate for the future. The camping trips, the backyard bbqs, the baseball games, waterfights... these are the things that make the winter struggles worth it... this is the joy promised... the joy we crave... the joy I miss

"Settle down, barbeque in the backyard
The kids get treats and old folks get classic cars
Every day that gets to pass is a success
Every woman looks better in a sun dress
The sunshine's an excuse to shoot hoops, get juice
Show improve their moves and let loose
I hear voices, I see smiles to match em
Good times and you can feel it in the fashion
Even though the heat cooks up the action
The streets still got butterflies
Enough kids to catch 'em
Ridin my bike around these lakes man
Feelin like I finally figured out my escape plan
Take it all and the day started off all wrong
Somehow now that hangover is all gone
Ain't nothing like the sound of the leaves
When the breeze penetrates these southside trees
Leanin' up against one, watchin the vibe
Forgettin' all about the stress, thanking God I'm alive
It's so simple, I had to keep the song simple
When I get home I'm gonna open all the windows" - Atmosphere

I wait for this

I wait for reason

I wait for sunshine

I wait for joy

I wait to live...

Summer, I await for your swift return. I have been waiting for you...

In the meantime...

appreciate

create

hope

be loved

make love

stay the course

It will be May soon enough

the promised day is near...

Eagerly Awaiting,

A Postcard from the lost (and looking)

"I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it was meant to be"-Mumford & Sons

The storm...

Hard days sometimes appear out of nowhere, and when they arrive all I can think is "I should have seen this coming."

I've been at war longer than I should be ... I can't let certain things go. Sometimes I wonder if the evil of the world is just too much to handle ... Am I destined to doom and to perish? Will I just come up short eventually? Are my fears eventually going to control me?

"Will I survive all the fights and the darkness?"- 2pac

In the dark corners and recesses of my mind, I have only come up with one solution. I need to fight this... I need to fight the darkness, the doom, the despair. I scared myself for a little while. I was ghost of a person. I lost my hope and will. I lost my humanity to the possibilities of a black disease.

"At first I had an even keel, but now I'm not sure what is real..."-Brand New

This is it

This is my fight

This is my curse

This is my gift

This is me ...

Don't let the demons determine who you are ... after all they lost themselves a long time ago. You are not your problems, you are not a sin, you are not a mistake... Take yourself back and stand fast through the storms. The captain will guide you to your port and you will live to witness the storms from the safety of the shore... Don't become a tragedy

Fightoffyourdemons,

A Postcard from the lost

All The Happiness Money Can Buy...

"So follow that tune, quickly or you'll lose the melody you never hear. When you were young you didn't care. It's the one that stole your father's pride, that mighty mighty dollar sign. These are the things that matter now, so sing along and be prepared."-Ace Enders

I hope I never become wealthy. I hope I never become catch the green envy, the paper greed. I'll see it on the screen tonight. Some story of something eternal torn apart by something so monetary, so temporary. How did something so temporary steal something so permanent Something so lasting...

I have never been good with money. I try to be and I think I am getting better. I spend my days researching and working towards a degree. I hope to get another degree after that. Even my plan right now is to get an MBA. I plan on working for a business, whose sole purpose is profit, to gain as much money as possible. I confuse myself sometimes. I envy and hate the same things sometimes... I guess it will just depend on the days.

Stay clean

Stay composed

Stay what you are...

It's not to say I hate money. I just hope it never consumes me like it has the world. I hope the flames of the green fire never burn my mind or my soul. I am just like everyone else ... I just want enough money to live, not just survive. I am not unique. If I must worry, which I have come to realize I have no choice but to worry, I wish to worry about things of worth, things of the great hereafter and of those who I wish to spend my ever expiring time with. I don't wish to worry about the trivial. I wish to worry about the plan, about fate, about you...

I wish to see the world, not just the tourist attractions

I wish to see the seven seas

I wish to live in solitude

I wish to witness beauty, to witness creation and originality

I will live in the northwest, or in the great lonestar state or in a small coastal town, where I feel I belong

I wish all of this with you...

The quiet life is what I feel I truly desire. I need to find my corner of the world and make it mine. I have come to realize I need to create a home, not just find it. I need to create it with someone. Home is not home if you are alone ... I will be silently happy with this life. It may sound strange to some, but my ideal dreams consist of a home, not an extravagant house but a home... a place filled with sentiment and endearment. Not just a television and pictures of people we have forgotten. The memories will be of christmas mornings, of messes the kids made, of working in the yard, of friends who have become family.

"That secret that we know that we don't know how to tell. I'm in love with your honor, I'm in love with your cheeks. What's that noise up the stairs babe? Is that Christmas morning creaks?"- Bon Iver

My home is family... the family not just of blood but of love. This is my dream and this is my fear ... that I damned to go with out this. Is this my great trial? Is this the suffering that has been promised?

"Collect calls to home. Tell them that I realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone"-Brand New

My biggest fear is not that I will believe the previously stated someday, but that I may already have this belief instilled in me.

My home is her

My home is with our children

My home is my parents

My home is my brothers

My home is my sister

My home is in the northwest

My home is found in serenity

My home is peace

My home with you, with me, with understanding

The truth is, my home is wherever she is, wherever you are, wherever I feel content.

"I've set my house on fire 'cause I don't need it anymore"- Tallest Man on Earth

In the mean time....

I will laugh

I will read

I will ponder

I will dream

I will live

I will wish...

And if my purpose to be in solitude... I am sure I will find the joy and reason in that. I just hope I make it worth your while.

Until then please tell me to stop if you have heard this all before, after all this is all Deja Entendu.

Please don't give up on fate ... Stay What You Are

Just Another Scribble in Space,

A Postcard from the Lost

"Of all the many ways a man will break his heart, well there ain't none meaner than he pulls his own apart"-Old 97s

If you want to be completely honest...

Music is me, music is you ...

I often can't express my self by my own words alone... I feel totally inadequete trying to describe the thoughts that go through my head. I often find my thoughts expressed through someone else's creation and beauty ... it's been a while since I have created anything of worth and time, or as Conor Oberst puts it "I'm just a waste of paint". However, I lust to create something of worth one day, something to read, something cherish, something to remember. Until then, I just remain doing what I do best: wishing ...

It's Valentines Day today. I hope no one feels pressure to be in love or infatuated with someone today. I know I sure feel the pressure. I may spend today watching sportscenter, watching movies and spend time mapping out a route in which I feel most comfortable taking with my life. I just want to get my mind off of what could have been or what may become.

"I'm scared of what's behind and what's before..."- Mumford and Sons

In all reality and honesty, I may just be jealous of everyone else, young and in love. This whole romance and love thing actually has a romance about it. I think companionship is something the human soul desires. Until we find, we just make do with what we have. We wish. We hope and despair...

"I'm just jealous 'cause you are young and in love. My stomachs filled up and I'm starved for conversation. I'm spending all my nights growing old in my bed and I am tearing up our photos because I want to forget it's over." - Brand New

Have hope in yourself... Be good to yourself

Starving for conversation,

A Postcard from the lost

P.S. Don't sell out on your dreams or they will sell out on you ...

Dear Boy, where have you been?

"Love is all from what I've heard but my heart has learned to kill..." - Tallest Man on Earth

I have decided to start over, I have lost track on just how many times I have actually said this to myself and to the world and I will most likely say it again.

My baby sister is a truly beautiful individual, I wish I could take credit for molding her into the person she is... she suggested I start trying this blogging thing again, let's hope I find some solace in this vast room they call the internet.

If you are truly interested in reading things of worth and of hope, please click here.

I haven't attempted blogging in almost a year, the things that have been on my mind have been to heavy for my fingers to type and the words to harsh to been seen on a screen.

I have developed a jaded view of this place we call the world. I talked about this with one of my best friends the other day. We talked about the loss of hope and belief of good in the world. We both had been involved in lines of work in which we see the worst in humanity. It saddened me to think of the hope we used to have in the world, in humanity, in ourselves, in each other. I felt we both had been broken and burdened by the evil we had witnessed. How I wish I still had hope for the goodness of man...

Not to say that I don't see the good in life... there are many beautiful and sacred things I have witnessed. I just have been forced to deal with many terrible things and they have spoiled my joy and have caused many sleepless nights and anxiety ridden days.

I wish to see myself and be content with what I see

I wish to find her and share my soul

I wish to be someone and something someone else needs and wants

I wish belief

I wish faith

I wish love

I wish you ...

I believe in the Lord

I believe in the Word

I believe in the Restoration

I believe the good will eventually triumph, evil just has the upper hand right now

I believe in eternity

I believe in heaven

I believe in hell

I believe in beauty

I believe in you

I'm just not sure if I believe in me yet...

I need to be in the moment, the future only creates problems for my present and the past won't let me change anything about it.

These random thoughts aren't my intention, however they are what my soul yearns to say right now. Nothing makes sense but usually when you are dealing with confusion, nothing makes sense, not even your own thoughts.

This is me

This is my search for my own home

This is what I am

Please have patience with me, I know I sound like a mad man

I just haven't written in ages and my thoughts are as broken as my smile

I pray for healing

I pray for solace

I pray for forgiveness

I pray for you...

Be good to one another. After all, we are all we got...

With all the sincerity,

A Postcard from the lost

"I used to be the captain who stayed the course, when the stormed rolled up and showed us all it's worst" - Brand New