KEEN- If It's the Beaches

Today we have Keen from kristenwarwick.com. She is an absolutely amazing writer! I basically read every one of her blog posts like they are hot off the press. She should be published and I won't be the least surprised if she is one day in the not so distant future. She is good. Keen, I turn it over to you.

there is a reason why artists so often sing about love. both happy and sad.

both found and forgotten.

because love is something everyone gets. love is something people will unfailingly purchase on the i-tunes store and buy on the-now-brilliant-google-music (seriously--yet another reason to love google--as if g-mail, google docs, google +, and g-calendar weren’t enough).

why? because love is the one thing that no one can deny.

and sure, you’ve got to talented enough to put it to some catchy chords with some kick-a lyrics and a great lead guitar.

the music is the main dessert.

and the lyrics are the cherry on top.

take this song for example. if its the beaches by the avett brothers.

love them. great music. they have that raw, folk-rock sound that i wonder how anyone can pass up. their lyrics always seem to grab at the sensitive, already bruised areas of my heart

just like billy corgan from the smashing pumpkins. the guy is a freakin’ poet-magician-man. sometimes, on really dark days, if i want to magnify a heartbroken feeling i am experiencing, i turn the ol’ i-pod to ‘mayonaise’ and let my boy billy do the talking. he’s such an emotional weirdo. but really, i don’t know if it’s the drugs or what, but he seems to get it.

this song, ‘if it’s the beaches’ does just that.

it is basically a plea. a plea of desperation. in hopes of continuing with a struggling relationship.

raise you’re hand if you’ve been here before? yeah, i think we all have.

on one end or the other.

personally, i’ve been both the culprit and the victim. i’ve done the fighting. i’ve let down my pride, putting everything and more on the line. complete vulnerability (and honestly--i wouldn’t recommend this--ever--but props to those who do) offering to give that other person just about anything they desired. whether it was the beaches or the mountains bending rivers...i would have found a way.

whew.

and then--sadly--i’ve also been the bad guy.

the one that hurts the other. and then leaves them to figure out a way through their tears and aching gut.

i hate being that.

truly, if there is one thing i hate in this world--it is that.

it’s an odd thing, isn’t it? that we can become so close to someone and want it so badly, and yet still find ourselves standing amongst the remains of a shattered relationship.

in fact, i have a dear friend.

a person who was very close to me at a time. who recently experienced a most devastating heartache.

he lost a merciless fight. offering everything he could in hopes of salvaging a relationship.

finding himself with a head--once held high with enthusiasm for life--now dropped in heaviness of a lost and painful cause.

yuck-y.

it seriously gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it. i start thinking to hard and i begin re-living the sleepless nights of tear-stained pillow cases and vivid nightmares. wondering why your story couldn’t end like the ones you grew up reading in nancy drew books and the babysitters’ club.

i mean, they are poorly written books but still. you can’t help but wonder.

you ask yourself. again and again. why?

trying to figure what you did wrong. wishing you could go back. wishing that you could change. just like in this song.

just like my friend has recently experienced, it can be devastating. and at times. relationships will end.

however, this song is interesting because the lyrics don’t necessarily lead you to believe that this struggling-slightly-imbalanced relationship ends.

the last two lines go something like this.

while i go gas up the truck, pack the old love letters up. we will read them when we forget why we left here.

curious, eh?

the ending of this song is what i love and hate most about it. all at the same time.

because in a way--this is simple and beautiful. bringing the reality of an ongoing effort to keep a relationship progressing. happy. and loving.

and in that same way--it captures a reality that haunts me on a daily basis. that though love itself is a perfect thing, relationships and human beings are not.

and even the most seemingly perfect of relationships have their trials.

because the fact of the matter is--one day you will forget why you are where you are and possibly question who you are with. you will need to pull out those old love letters. take a nice breather. and then get back up and keep on fighting.

you’ll do what it takes.

because that’s what we do.

when all is said and done...

yeah, relationships don’t always work out. no matter how hard you fight it. people will disagree. lose interest. lose hope. feel lost. whatever.

you’ll wish you could go back and change. but it won’t matter.

it will suck.

but then. there are sometimes that relationships will work.

and though the fight to keep that love-a-growin’ will never stop. and yes, you can tattoo that one on your forearm.

in the end. it’s worth all the beaches that this pretty-little-world has to offer.

and that darling, is a reality i most definitely believe in.

Incredible Keen. And if it's the beaches you want, I know one day you will have them.

GENTRI LEE - Featherstone

Two guest posts in a row. I feel legit. I actually have blog friends. This time Gentri Lee will be gracing us with her wonderful taste in music. She also is a pro blogger. Anyone visiting from Gentri's blog, I am sorry it is not as cool as Gentri's. I am trying. Anyways, without further ado, here is Gentri Lee.

Hello Aaron's blog!

My name is Gentri and I blog over at Gentri Lee. My blog is about... well, me. I usually write about my adventures with daily life, adventures with not so daily life, fashion, and sometimes I throw in crafts and recipes (success or fail).

I also love to post about what inspires me. Whether that be something someone else posted about, someone else's blog in general, spiritual inspiration, or even musical...

Aaron asked me to share a song that I'm loving at the moment and why I love it. Well, I know he just shared this one, but it's my current favorite. AND let's be honest- I'm the reason Aaron knows about it. haha! So first, have a listen (and take a look). Because it may just change your life.


Amazing right?! I love this song so much. It makes me feel like anything is possible, like adventure could be waiting around every corner. I am already picturing my next road trip with this song blaring through my speakers. haha!

I LOVE music and get so excited when I find a new artist that I can't get enough of. So tell me, what's a song or artist you're loving right now??

Thank you so much for reading! I'd love for you to stop by my blog anytime and say hi! Meeting new blog friends is one of my favorite things. And thank you Aaron for letting me guest post!

Love,
Gentri

Thank you Gentri Lee, for your amazing taste in music and being you!

EMMA K. - Weighty Ghost

I am very honored to have the wonderful and youthful Emma K. guest posting. She owns the title of the very first guest post on this blog. Please follow here over at her blog prettymuchalmost.

Take it away Emma K.

Hello, readers of this here blog. My name is Emma and I'm from the blog Follow Me to Happiness. It's a quaint little place if you care to stop by sometime. As for me, I'm an English major who loves baking, Jane Austen, and a good BBC period drama. I'm just trying to figure out life one moment at a time. Seeing as I feel like Aaron has much more experience than me in this thing called life, I feel very honored to be posting today.

Aaron threw me the idea of guest posting a while ago, and I decided it would be something new and exciting, so I eagerly awaited the assignment. Then he sent me a FB message telling me that he thought it would be cool if I listened to a song then wrote about what I think it's saying about life and I stopped in my tracks. Maybe I couldn't do this. But then I began listening to the song he sent over and reading over all the lyrics, and I decided I would give it a stab in the dark. So here is that stab.

The song is Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep. I had never heard to song before, but when I pulled it up, I instantly fell in love; then I really listened to the lyrics and I got a bit confused. Then I listened again, read again, repeated this about five times, stared at my computer, told Aaron I was working on the post, stared at my computer, listened again, and really began writing. Let's just say it took a long time for me to decide what this song meant to me.

As I listened to the song, I realized it was a perfect song for those days in life, when you just... well, you just can't really understand what has been going on with you lately. Here's an example from my life- it happened on Monday. I was on Facebook and noticed that a boy was on. The thing is, this wasn't just like a boy who I could chat and be like, "Hey Chum! How ya doing this fine winter day?! ;)" First off, I don't use wink faces. Second, this boy was a boy I had really hurt and so it was hard for me to talk to him, but it was also hard (much harder I know) for him to start talking to me. As I stared at his name on the screen, I realized, that I wasn't the same person I used to be. It was one of those moments when I just felt like posting as my status, "Has anybody seen the Emma who really cares about everyone and just wants to make people happy? She apparently became a ghost."

I feel that's exactly what the song means. It's about waking up and realizing the person you were is gone, for good or for bad. And sometimes, like the last verse says, we just want to be left alone with our body and the ghost of ourselves gone. And sometimes, we just want that ghost to come back home to us.

I'm realizing more and more that it's ok to have our ghost gone for a little while. It's ok to be wandering around figuring out what we need, on our own, with no one's surgery and messy fixing of things. It's ok to say, where is that person that I used to know? Because if there's anything that I've learned in life, it's that it's ok to be wrong, and to not know where you going, and to figure it all out. It's ok to be lost for a little bit, because eventually, you and your ghost will reunite in a way that's much better for both of you. And that's what life is about, improving.

Love always,

Ems

Thank you Emma K. I hope everyone is now looking for their ghost.

Aching for my heart like some tin man.

I am excited for the guest posts this week from some of my blogger friends Gentri Lee, Keen, and Emma K. I wanted to experiment with something so I asked each of them to write about a song that they are diggin' as of late. I thought I would start off the series of guest post with my own thoughts on a song.

Stable Song - Gregory Alan Isakov

I have to thank Keen for introducing me to the great Gregory Alan Isakov. He is truly brilliant. The first time I heard this song it took me to a place, I can't tell if that place was somewhere in the past or somewhere in the future. I just remember the place, that's all.

It was under a tree somewhere out in the countryside. There was a barn in the distance. It was a mild June day. I was sitting under this tree with some girl, who it was I do not know, your guess is as good as mine. I knew her though in this place. We had memories and futures together. Age wasn't important. Time didn't exist under this tree. It was just us. It consumed everything.

The song ended too quickly and I realized reality again. I was back to where I was when the song started, sitting the library with no progress on my math homework and realizing I had been staring out the window for ten minutes. All I had was this place.

You know, music has a way of taking you places you never could of imagined by yourself. This song is the perfect example for me. Who knows what it will mean to me a year, two years, ten from now? For now, it's sitting under a tree with her, who consumes my periphery when I close my eyes and hear this song. I don't know who she is. I don't even know what she looks like. I see her somehow though.

And maybe this will be a song that will foretell something about my future or explain something about my past. I don't know. I do think though that it is showing me something that I truly want. Someday, I hope I find her, whoever she is. And when I do, our songs will be just like prayers.

And so in the meantime...

"Come down, come down. Sweet Reverence. Unto my simple house and ring... and ring." - Gregory Alan Isakov

Under a tree,

A romanced mumbler.

Big things

Good things coming this week. Hope you all enjoy... Mysteries. They keep me awake. I hope they sing you to sleep. Don't let me become too wrapped up in myself. Stop the things I am becoming. Help. Help me make sense of non sense. Oh I look forward to the words which will come this week.

Anticipate!

EXPECT!!!

wisdom....

Christmas in Watauga

Yes, this is the obligatory holiday post. The one about the joys and lows of the Christmas season and after standing in line forever at a Target in Hillsboro, Oregon, all I can think is about how ready I am for every store to return to norm.

I was reminded of my favorite Christmas tonight as we had the missionaries over for desert and a Christmas message (if you are wondering what I am talking about with the whole missionary business click HERE). It was that kind of Christmas where you remember everything about the day. From the moment you wake up to the moment your head hits the pillow. I remember it so clearly.

I was a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was serving in the Fort Worth Texas area, but for the specifics of the story, I was living in a small apt in North Richland Hills and serving the Watauga Ward. My comp was Elder Bunch (I called him Badunkabunch for kicks). The night before we had pulled our mattresses out into the front room to sleep by our 2.5 or 3 foot tall Christmas tree. Our families had so lovingly sent us present via the U.S. postal service. I got a sweet Volcom tie from my brother, it was nice. The best present was that we got to call home. I remember that phone call home. I found out she had a boyfriend which would explain the stoppage of letters. Kind of a bummer to find out on Christmas, could of ruined it. But it didn't, that's how good of Christmas this was.

We headed to the park to meet up with the rest of the zone for a great Christmas lunch/dinner. We played football. I did mighty fine for being the QB. I kept throwin' up prayers to Elder Scott (I could have been a foreshadowing of Tim Tebow, just sayin'). We laughed and enjoyed each other and all the good things of season because our purpose that season was to only preach about the good things.

I keep on thinking of why that Christmas was so great. Nothing magnificent happened. It was simple. Maybe that is what made it so great. I wasn't distracted about what to get everyone, what to ask for, what to expect, what I should be feeling. No, that year it was all gone. There was zero time to think about myself and the greatest desire I had to was to see other people happy. To realize the reason for the season. To just serve. To give. That's all I wanted that Christmas.

We get so caught up in the good intentions of Christmas, oo caught up in the festivities and the celebration that we forget that the whole reason for the occasion is to remind us of the One who gave us everything, including life. And when I try to align my desire for the season with the reason for the season, Christmas takes on something totally different than lights and carols. Something other than department stores and home made cookies. It becomes this state of mind. The kind I wish I always had, even in July. The state of mind where my desire is the happiness of others.

And so when Christmas rolls around and things seem to be turning out like this...

If you start to realize that true happiness is never really about you. Christmas becomes simple. And even when you have to run two miles through airport terminals and board your plane soaked in sweat just trying to get home in one piece, when you eat too much holiday junk, when all the lights won't turn on on the Christmas tree, when you find out that the girl you are in love with has a boyfriend and you are a thousand miles away in the Lonestar State plugging away day in and day out to try and do what you feel is right in your heart. Yes, even after all that stuff happens. Christmas can't be beat.

Signing Christmas cards anonymously,

The mild and stumbling saint

It was like this at one time.

This video takes me back to the neighborhood days.

I personally believed I grew up in the best neighborhood in the world. We had our little gang and it was expected that once everyone got home from school, we headed outside to play football or pretend we were in the Army. We even had our own chain of command (if you must know, I was the Colonel). Life was simple back then, peacefully simple. Yet we all wanted to grow up. We wanted to be like the big kids. We wanted to feel cool, we wanted the world.

Well, we grew up. We still are growing up. We moved away, all went down our own path. We all found our personal vices. I stayed up thinking about all the things that ruined us. Drugs, sex, ego, alcohol, pride. Maybe if we knew what awaited us in our older years, maybe we would have wanted to keep that bubble in tact just a little bit longer.

The one good thing is that we still are that little gang from the neighborhood. We look out for each other and check in. And as we are getting married and starting families, I hope my kids view their childhood like I viewed mine. I hope it's like the song posted. I hope it's remembered like paper kites.

Laughing,

The little boy inside me.

P.S. Thanks to Gentri Lee for directing me to this amazing music video. She is also a pro blogger. No joke, half the world follows her blog. Check out what all the buzz is about HERE.

Come this time next year.

Just finished finals. Procrastination was a consistent theme over the past couple of weeks but I didn't let it get the best of me, for the most part anyways. After staying up intermittently writing a paper and drifting off to good tunes, I finished my paper and let my eyes give into the temptation of sleep, rest, rejuvenation. It wasn't enough. I laid there thinking of what awaiting me in mere hours. The dawn came early than expected. I wandered through the day dazed yet focused. Only to come home and collapse from exhaustion. My twin bed in the corner welcomes me with open arms. And considering all this craziness of the last couple weeks, I'd do it over again a million times rather than be where I was this time last year.

I can't really describe what happened other than the house of cards I had built in my head collapsed. The lights just went out. I just lost it. My days soon became a nightmare to go through. Fear gripped my body like a plague. I dropped out of life. Day became night and night became day to me. The only time I could calm down was in the quiet of the middle of the night, when the whole world was asleep. I would just sit and enjoy the fact that my mind had slowed down and that I could just breath. I went home for Christmas but I was a wreck. I couldn't enjoy anything about the holiday season. I was broken. A scratched record on repeat. I died for a little while. Whatever good was in my life had disappeared and I turned into a ghost. An aimless, starving, searching, worrying, lamenting ghost.

Every day sounded like this...

At this time last year I was certain that this misery was here to stay. This was the hand I was dealt. Some people having the blessing of living a happy and blessed life. Others are given the trial to suffer and have faith that there is some purpose in it. I was certain I was the latter. It was just my lot. Happiness wasn't was God had in mind for me, He had something else and I had no say in the matter.

You know it's weird some of the peculiar things you remember during certain times in your life. Last December I specifically remember just standing in the shower and staring at the tile wall for what seemed like hours. I would just sit there and think of every possible terrible thing that could happen in life. I would obsess over disaster all day. I woke up exhausted and went to bed exhausted from a mental obstacle course that I would run through over and over again during the day. I also remember the glimpse moments of relief, when the surge of darkness would subside and I could be in the moment. Like going to a trailblazers game with my family, doing a puzzle of Christmas eve, or just knowing that even if everything were to collapse all around me, my family would still be there.

The process was long one, it took months. Those months felt like decades. I had to learn to cope with pain. Not physical pain, but mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. I had to learn to accept it. I had lessons that I needed to learn, truth I needed to experience. Most of all, I had to learn to be grateful for that pain. I needed refinement.

And I learned some important things about God in the process. Some very personal things about me and Him and our relationship. I learned where I stood with Him. I learned what He is really like. All the false ideas I had were erased by His voice. And I started to realize that the grass still grows in the spring, the sun rises even when it's cloudy, and that whatever happens, things work out.

I sit here and am grateful for the fact that this Christmas, I can actually enjoy Christmas. I can laugh without having to worry about it. And that is the best present I can have this year. It's a good Christmas already.

Because every day sounds like this...

And come this time next year, I am gonna appreciate where I'm at. I am not going to put expectations on the future. I'm just gonna let it be.

Letting go,

Little Lion Man

Forever Mirrors.

I had an experience Tuesday morning. It was one of those experience where I saw my life was one whole, not a past, present, and future. Not a book with chapters, but for one moment, maybe two, I was able to see the picture of what my life was and was to become. It was quiet, intense, quick, sacred.

Your future becomes a very real when you are shown what the future beholds for you. I saw my future right in front of me, everyone who was to become my future, well mostly everybody. As I peered just for a moment into the door that someone forgot to shut called the future, everything changed. It looked... familiar. Like I knew what was in the room awaiting me in time. I knew the people in there. I knew what they would be to me, what I would be to them. And for that brief few minutes I saw the whole picture in it's entirety. I had seen it before, somewhere. I just forgot what it looked like.

"If the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall, then I think we would see the beauty. Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges. Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil" - Bright Eyes

It was sobering and exciting, heavy and relieving. It made me patient and anxious all at once. I wanted to cry and laugh. But I just sat there and took it all in and tried not to make it more or less than what it really was. I just appreciated it for its own unique nature.

Then the questions came. Is it all just wishful thinking? Is this some hypnosis brought on by years of wishful thinking and unfulfilled desires. Is this from God or something of my own device? Am I fabricating my own experiences? These questions always come after I experience something profound, something hopeful.

And so I asked someone in who's wisdom I trusted. And he answers me this, "What does it matter if it's from God or from your own desires? If you desire good things, then it doesn't matter. That is when you know your will is aligned with God." And then I realized when I was looking in the forever mirrors, I was looking into the heart of God as well as my own. What I wanted is what God intended for me. And I didn't have to question if it was really what I wanted. because there wasn't an option anymore. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about everyone before, here, and to come. It was about everyone except me.

It's about her.

It's about my kids.

It's about my brothers.

It's about my sister.

My Father.

My Mother.

Because I was made to be with them.

That was God's intention all along.

So I kept on walking Tuesday, going about what would be known as just another day. Except I walked a little faster, because for a minute or so that morning, I realized what was before me. I wanted to get there, because I knew what is awaiting me is home.

And so I find myself walking.

And hoping that I find that home sooner than later.

Home bound,

A postcard from the present to the future.

Sometimes Monday Happens.

I wake up before the sun is up and head off to work. My car is dead. It's ok though, I have my room mates truck, which is pretty nice. So I roll around in a truck that is not mine pretending that I am cool and I may have more than a few dollars to my name. It's not true. I am on my way to clean and vacuum the country club, the early morning crew. We are usually done and gone by the time the rich old men show up for breakfast and to talk golf. I put in my ear buds and wander off in my mind as I vacuum crumbs from last night's five course meal.

I am done and I head to class. Good things. I ace my quiz (which was not hard) but I ace it anyways. Then get out of class early. I enjoy laughing with friends in the hallway. I then see another friend and decide to hit up lunch. Supreme personal pan pizza from pizza hut. We talk about the usual thing for a single mormon in their mid twenties. Dating. We complain and lament about the same old things, give answers we have given thousands of times before. We end up passing the blame on somebody else, laugh, and enjoy the fact that we have once again let ourselves off the hook.

Sitting in my required philosophy class. The teacher is rambling on about some issue I really don't bother to know about. I hate generals. They make school almost unbearable. A six page paper on Friday, then a final on Monday. Just cramming my mind with issues that don't have any real solutions. I have no power to change it, or at least I don't desire to have the power to change certain things... yet.

The cold is starting to make it hard to breath. I come home to an empty apt. It's on cold days like this I wish I had a Mrs. to come home to, just for the company, just for the love. It will come in time. I have patience that something will work out. I make blueberry pancakes just for the sake of eating something warm. I make the batter thin so they come out like crepes. I feel like I have a special talent for making these pancakes just right. I work on this blog and go fishing for compliments. I enjoy some conversation in the vastness of the internet. I find common ground with strangers. I find common ground with myself. It's a beautiful thing to behold. People can surprise you by their generousity in sharing their thoughts. It's one of the most unselfish things I believe we can share, ourselves.

I am starting to stress. Worrying gets the best of me as I wonder how to accomplish what everyone expects of me and even more, what I expect of myself. Too much, and the Monday night football game is a snoozer. Two losing teams, two reasons not to watch. I put in a movie to make me think. Garden State it is. It's been too long since I have viewed such fine cinema. One line sticks out.

"I'm fine with being unimpressive. I sleep better." - Garden State

I get up to switch my laundry out and it gives. My achilles heel, which happens to be my right knee. I have no clue what happens but it buckles and I fall to the ground like a sack of bricks. My body is giving out long before it is supposed to. I roll around on the ground, wondering how in the world my knee gave out just walking.The pain is so bad I feel like I might vomit but what do I do instead? I laugh. Because it's Monday, my car is dead, I am a janitor, finals are gonna kill me, my knee is swelling up, and I realized I was due for a bad day sometime. Mondays happen.

TGIT (Thank Goodness it's Tuesday)

To a better Tuesday,

A hopeful gimp

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A Sunday prayer.

Here's my heart, Lord.

Take and seal it.

Seal it for Thy courts above.

The Right Reverend

The Right Reverend

A man who is right with God. A man who exemplified God through action, never through words. God is never found in the walks of fame, the riches, the glamour, or the fame of the world. The most grand Creator of all things is found in the humble corners of the soul, of those people who knew their weakness but made no excuse for it. Not for the perfect but the sinner who keeps trying; of those who just want to be good for the sake of being good.

I had a grand father who was those things, he still is. He was the right reverend because he lived the right way of God. Was he perfect? No he wasn't, he would be the first tell you it. The first to admit he was a drunk. Yet, he was man of God.

He saved lives not because he lived some perfect life, but because he used the experience of his mistakes to help and save others. Sometimes we get so caught up on running the straight and narrow path we lose sight of the fact that there are people stumbling next to us on this path. The right reverend never was trying to get to heaven that fast because he knew heaven is about who you get there with, not just the sole fact of getting there. And so he went on walking and taking a minute to talk to the down trodden while some people scoffed at him for taking so long, but he never gave into their criticisms, because he was the right reverend. There is always room for one more, always time for a visit, always a pot of coffee ready for the weary traveler, because the right reverend knew the way heaven really worked. Heaven is a lot like the house on the corner of Russell Avenue, a lot like the Sahara Club, a lot like the old man whistling while playing cards in the corner of the room. If you are in such a rush to find it, you will drive, walk, see right past it.

Yeah, the right reverend showed the right way.

And this is what keeps me up at night sometimes, the thing that strikes me as I look out to the vastness of the great salt lake. Will people say the same thing when they bury my tabernacle down into the mud? Will I leave the earth with footprints or just finger printers smudged on a bathroom mirror? I pray mightily that my death bed will be surrounded by many, not just a machine and regrets. And will people smile when they think of the time we spent together, or will I just be a tombstone? Will I make my family name proud? Will people be able to easily see that I was the grandson of the man known as the Right Reverend? This is written in the back of my bible and spoken on the letters of incessant prayers. That I make good of his legacy. That I keep it alive.

And so I go on, making sure my hands are never too clean to help the downtrodden up off their feet and never too busy to let someone know that it will be alright. Yes, I am not running to salvation. I am doing it one step, one person, one mistake at a time.

And when the black disease comes to my name on his list, if I am surrounded by many instead of a few, then I will hear the words "All is well, All is well"

Throughout all eternity on Russell Ave,

The faithful (at least trying) grandson

I can't hide.

End of the semester is upon me. The light is near but seems dim, especially when I have much asked of me in the next two weeks. Much of it is my own doing. Give me all day and I will give you an hour. Give me an hour and I will give you a week. It's just the way I work. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

Fall semester in a nut shell, every time is some way or another. I will be ok though. It's just my future. What else could go wrong.

Hittin' the books,

A saintly procrastinator

When it comes to swag.

Unusual. I am not one to give his take on fashion. But when I see something I like, I like it, alot. On that note. I have a cousin named Jenny. She is very chic and cool along with my cousin Cara. I feel legit whenever I am hangin' out with them, like I am young a successful instead of just young and broke. Jenny married a legit guy. His name is Gibran Hamden (He played in the NFL for a little while, in case you didn't know). His swagger matches that of Ryan Gosling. The guy has it figured out. He always dresses to the nines. He is the cat's meow. Even better, he can improve anyone else's swagger level to all time highs if they follow his advice. He knows the styles. He knows what style makes you look like you. And he even has his own fashion line of men's dress polos called Alial Fital. Check it out.

Larry Fitzgerald! Alial Fital fan! (He also came through big for me this week in fantasy football, just sayin'.)

Yeah that's Matt Hasslebeck sportin' Alial Fital,

Glitzy Fitzy, lovin' it!

Even Grandpa Don loved Alial Fital. The old man knew style. ( That's my cousin Jenny on the left )

My other cousin Rachel's husband Craig Terrill, also plays in the NFL (current free agent). Am I just name dropping? Sure sounds like it. I'll shut up and let the fashion do the talking.

Gibran Hamdan. The man. The stylist. The vision.

And finally, yours truly.

And so it goes. While I will never be a swagger hound like Ryan Gosling or Gibran Hamdan, at least I learn from the best.

"Good times and you can feel it in the fashion." - Atmosphere

Swagger,

Lion Man

Check out Alial Fital @ alialfital.com

Like them on facebook as well to find out about discounts facebook.com/alialfital

In the middle of eternity...

Mortality hits someone like a ton of bricks, whether it is you faced with your own passing or someone that has always been there since day one of your life. It has hit me and my family quick and hard this last month as our most loved and cherished grandpa Don aka Donald aka the don father has passed on to the other side, a joyous time for him I am sure as he is reunited with grandma Shirley once again. I am sure he even had a joke to tell everyone else who was there welcoming him home, and I am sure even the Lord chuckled just a little bit. The embraces and reunions on the other side are sweet and yet it is bittersweet to all of us still here, in the world. And the world seems a little less like home now that grandpa isn't here to tell us we are looking well or to stay sober. However, I do know this. Families are eternal. My grandfather didn't die today, he just merely passed on. And while the goodbyes are hard and somber, I know it is not final. Much like it was when I left on my mission. It was hard and painful to say goodbye but we knew it was only for a time. It is the same now as my grandpa passes through the veil and sees my grandma and says "Shirley, it sure is good to be with you again."

But for us in the meantime, I know we wish for communication, comfort and guidance. We wish for visits here and there. We just wish for them, in anyway, shape or form we can reach them. And they will be there, in the middle...

Grandpa...

Will you meet me in the middle like you said?

When I find that girl who I just can't help but love with all my heart. The one who will be to me what grandma was to you.. Will you be there? I hope I can tell you how special she really is, because we know she will have to be saint to put up with somebody like myself (I know you are laughing right now). I hope I can tell you everything about her and everything we have planned. I hope you are there to listen and smile. So will you meet me in the middle then like you said?

Will you meet me in the middle of the night?

I know life will get tough for me at times because that is just life. But I knew life was never too bad to not appreciate a joke and to appreciate the fact that things get better and if you can laugh, life is not that bad. So for when the times do come that the seas are rough and I seem to stumble, will you meet me in the middle of the night for a joke, a laugh and the comforting words "love ya kid." Will you meet me in the middle of the night then? (And make sure to bring grandma with you too, she makes you look better)

Will you meet me in the middle of the road?

I know right now there are tears on our side, a lot more than there are on the other side. Death is something that will come to all, it is all a door we must go through when the time that the chapter of mortality comes to an end. So when the time comes for each of us that we pass, will you meet us in the middle of the road?

In every passing, in every celebration, in every thing that awakes our souls, something is always constant: Family.

In the shade they will bring you home...

In the waves they will guide your boat...

In the grave they will meet our souls...

Yes, we will all meet in the middle someday.

And in the mean time, I at least have the knowledge that God is a loving father that wishes only to bless and enrich us. How do I know this? Because I had Don Binns for a grandfather. And for that I am eternally grateful. I was able to have him there for some of my most cherished moments in life, and I know he will continue to be there to smile with me when good things come my way and there to put his arm around me when life gets tougher than expected. He isn't dead, he just has simply passed on, moved away, and I know he will visit and keep in touch. That's just the way he is.

And I will continue to be grateful for all my family, immediate and extended.

For they are all that matters... Family isn't just everything, it's the only thing.

These things I know:

The Lord is good

My family is eternal

The soul is eternal, the body is mortal

That love can communicate through any barrier

That the purest form of love is found in family

I know these things to be true, because Heaven most likely looks like this...

Then shall the virgin rejoice in the dance, both young men and old together: for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow - Jeremiah 31:13

The sorrow is temporal

The joy is eternal

The joy is family...

Eternally,

The son. grandson. brother. nephew. cousin. a grateful member of an eternal family.

I can't help but think of the reunion that happened today when I hear these songs...

Blown Away...

I had an experience today...

ColdPlay - Mylo Xyloto

Rarely am I blown away the first time I listen to an album. But this time... I just sat there and thought "I can't describe what I just experienced. "

Please listen to the album anyway you can.

I Killed Myself when I was Young...

"I was living in a devil town. I didn't know it was a devil town. Oh Lord, it really brings me down about the devil town. All my friends were vampires, I didn't know they were vampires..." - Daniel Johnston

It is interesting the way I viewed the town of my youth as opposed to the way I view it now. It is weird to long for a place that at one time you couldn't wait to leave.

Yeah, I was one of those kids in high school who just hated everything about where he lived and took pride in his disdain. I still remember the first day of school my senior year. I was blaring "Another Brick in the Wall Pt.2" by Pink Floyd and enjoyed hating every minute of school. I had the worst attitude and was cocky about it. I felt it I was so above it, I was too mature to be wasting my time having school spirit and be involved in the dramatics of high school (I used to say how much I hated drama but for someone who proclaimed to hate it so much, I sure found a lot of it in stupid quantities. I was the cause sometimes but more often I would keep the flames going. An embarrassing phase of life to say the least). I just hated high school. And lately, a very weird thought has occurred. I wish I had a better attitude back then. I wish I would have lightened up. I was I would have enjoyed it for what it was worth.

Now, I am not saying I wish high school back. Hell no! I can honestly say not a day goes by that I am not thankful that those terribly confusing times are over. I am just wondering if I could have made it a little bit more bearable along the way. I wonder what I would say to my 16 or 17 year old self. I think I would just laugh and say 'Lighten up man. Live and let live. Chill out. It's not going to last forever. Enjoy it as much as you can'.

Other things I would tell him:

You are going to laugh about this in a few years

You are actually going to get good grades in college (Except that world history class you had. Don't worry, you'll know what I am talking about)

She isn't the one, neither is the next one that comes alone

You are going to have a very different outlook

The people that will matter in the long run are going to stick around

You are actually going to be friends with half these people

You are going to be embarrassed that you liked that band

You will be ok kid....

You are already ok....

Calm down.

Be yourself.

Love yourself a little bit.

"Turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town" - Daniel Johnston

I realized that the biggest contributor to this little hell of mine was myself. I created it all in my head. I choose it. It was my doing. I was not a victim. I was the problem. I guess that is part of growing up though, realizing your mistakes, laughing it off and moving on. Sometimes the laughing part isn't so easy but it comes in time.

"So we bottled and shelved all our regrets, let the ferment and came back to our senses. Drove back home, slept a few days, woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be."- Straylight Run

I have found myself ending up in my old stomping grounds lately. Sometimes I start driving, intending to go stop by so and so or run this errand or that. I end up driving in circles around what used to be known as home to me. Memories flood my vision. I see the gas station where I would cut class with anyone and everyone (No joke here, I think my attendance percentage senior year was a little over 50%. I think everyone witnessed a small miracle when I walked across the stage at graduation. God bless BYU independent study). Kholers, the place to be on a Friday night if you were in junior high (at least back in my day, which was over ten years ago. Wow. Long time.) The spot that was our spot between us 4 friends. The spot where I got caught out after curfew when I was 14, with our back packs spilling over with toilet paper after a unsuccessful tee-pee run. The corner where it all ended. The park where it all started. The driveways where we used to gather. Night games. It's all so fresh in my mind, even though it was years ago.

I am coming to appreciate my home for what it is. It is my home where I met my closest friends. It is home where a lot of my family still is. The neighbourhood that raised me. The streets that carried me. The times that molded me. Yeah, I wouldn't change it. I wish I would have had perspective, but I wouldn't change it.

I had a great time in high school, only I am just starting to realize it.

Is this weird?

Appreciate the past

Live in the present

Welcome the future

Standing still,

Little Lion Man

Scribbles

Wednesday. The half way point. When you see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weekend is within reach.

What do my days consist of? Random thoughts. Spending too much time on random thoughts. Boredom, Urgency, False alarms and time.

So I am sitting in math class today. I honestly had no clue why I went. Every time I go to math the more confused I become. I will just sit there and soon my bewilderment turns to boredom. Some may ask "Well, be productive and do some other homework from another class." Did I do this? No, I did not. Instead I downloaded the Twitter app on my phone and created a Twitter account. I have no clue why. Everyone else seems to have one, so I followed the sheep off the cliff. My life never sleeps. I feel like I have an alter ego I have created. The Internet is the perfect way to lie about yourself. I hope I stay true to my inconsistent nature. But if you feel so inclined, follow me for obsessions and mumbles @iusedtobeaaron. I am not guarantying anything of value, all I guarantee is words.

I later decided on lunch at Costa Vida. In case people don't know yet, UVU is stepping up their game. They have a costa vida and subway now with a pizza hut expected soon. It feels so ... modern? I have no clue what the word is for it. As I am eating my small salad with a wheat tortilla (that's right, I'm a whole grain kind of guy these days) a lady is walking down the hall singing opera. I like music but opera hurts my ears and my patience. I don't get it. This chick was looking down at her sheet music and just belting it as she walked down the hall. Oh, the characters of the world. It reminds me of this guy who walks around UVU campus with a guitar and just sings all day every day like he is changing the world one UVU soul at a time. He dresses like Johnny Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls circa Dizzy Up the Girl album. It's like I am looking straight into 1998. It's a trip.

So I decide to productive around 6 and hit up my apt complex gym. I would hit up Gold's and then leave with low self esteem from all the tools on steroids but I just can't spend 28 dollars a month right now to maintain an inferiority complex. So I walk into the small little gym at the apt office building and someone is on the stationary bike I always ride. Mind you, this gym is small and ghetto so there are 2 bikes, 2 treadmills, an elliptical that doesn't works and mis-matched collection of dumbbells. So I pump some iron but truly, I just want to get on the bike, work up a sweat and call it a day. However, this lady is on the bike and she is barely pedaling. She is wrapped up in a book. How can some one read while they are trying to do cardio? How can anyone really do anything but listen to music and work up a sweat while working out? She was going so slow so would have burned just as many calories sitting on her couch and lifting her feet up and down. Oh yeah, and this guy was running on the treadmill in crocs. What the hell? Just go barefoot man. The fitness impaired make me shake my head sometimes. Not that I am a guru, I just know enough to know going for a jog in jeans and a pair of moccasins isn't a great idea. You'll ruin a perfectly good pair of Indian shoes.

I do enjoy my music while I am pumping the iron and trimmin' the fat.

Latest Digs:

Deep End - Swollen Members

Cinderella Man - Eminem

Kyla - Swollen Members

White Riot - The Clash

Sink - Brand New

Impatience gets the best of me too often. Let things come as the may in the time they choose.

Will I ever create something worthwhile?

Help me be me.

I just ramble on and on, why do I think anyone is even interested? I'm selfish in my sharing.

Do yourself a favor and don't take me seriously. I don't.

Scribbling. Wondering. Breathing,

Iusedtobeaaron

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like - Garden State

I am here, but my soul is in the Lonestar State

Almost 3 years... yeah, it's been that long. Almost 3 years ago I stepped off a plane from the great state of texas and back into the chaos of real life. I thought it would be great, but it was a lot harder than I expected. I soon became homesick for a place that for two years had been my home, but it felt like it had been my home all my life. It's an interesting thing what can become home to a person. My homes scatter all over, yet seem also so close and connected.

News Flash: Rangers took a 3-2 lead in the world series. Yeah buddy! That's right. One more win and they are world champs. I take a little pride in my rangers. After all, I spent a solid six months serving in one of my favorite places on earth, Arlington, TX. Bless the people there. They are dear to me, even the ones that didn't like me (P.S. I want to make it very clear I am not a cowboys fan. I draw the line at a certain point. I have my teams. I stick with them. I hop on the occasional bandwagon. This year my bandwagon team is the Buffalo Bills. Why you ask? I ask Why Not? Their QB is a Harvard grad and Fred Jackson has produced 20 point games for me on my fantasy team week in and week out. It's not that hard to like them, as opposed to the Cowboys, who repeatedly under perform but yet they are in super bowl talks every year? Give me a break. Give me the Bills on every day that ends in a Y. ) I went to the Ballpark in Arlington twice. It is a classy place. It reminds you why baseball is America's pastime. I miss Texas. I always will.

Nolan Ryan is this big in real life...

"Some people say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like hercules or somethin' " -Sandlot

I beg for a World Series title for my Rangers, for I consider Texas my home. Just like I consider the mountains, Oregon, The desert of AZ, the tiny apt on Arkansas Lane, The coast, the house, the childhood friend, my brothers, my sister, the sun, the water, and you... Yes, I am home.

Standing on the edge of the great plains,

A boy who once was good and a man who is trying to get back to where he once was

Weeks of days

I had a bad case of the mondays this week. Last weekend wasn't nearly long enough. This week went by fast yet very slowly at the same time. Now, I am doing laundry on a friday evening. I am cool. I guess I am grown up. Who knows? Who cares? I really don't know.

Falling

Guessing

Waiting

Worrying

Patience

Waiting

Content

Wondering

Grateful

Exhausted

Rejuvenated

Settled...

It's weird how many different feelings or thoughts may arise in a given week.

Just give yourself time, it will pass.

I think some of creativity arises out of boredom. Boredom of what I can not tell you, but it is a common element.

So this is just a mumble in the vastness of space, probably which no one will read. And those who do, well, I hope they mumble back.

Read books

Write truth

Fight demons

Stand complete...

Cure yourself,

Little Lion Man

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. - C.S. Lewis

I'll face the fact that I'm just fine...

"I'm proud of myself and the loner I've become..." - Say Anything

You know, sometimes I get to a point where I am totally comfortable with who I am. I know that is rare when living in a world that is always telling me to be this or that, that I have to wear certain clothes, that I have to look a certain way, listen to the right music, say the right things, be everything I really am not.

I am treading unfamiliar ground right now. Not in a bad way though. For the first time in a good while, I feel good about where I am at, where I am going and confident about the future. I know storms are ahead because even though I feel grown up and mature sometimes, I know deep down inside that I am just at the beginning of a long road full of experiences. Some will be pleasant, some even joyous while others may be sobering.

And you know what? I am starting to actually like myself a bit. I'm starting to appreciate my quirks instead of trying to fix them. For the first time in a very long, long, long, long, long time I am just trying to be me, not somebody I am not.

" I am just trying to be myself, whoever that is."-Bob Dylan

I have come to learn a lot of things about myself this last year, and feel like I am beginning to understand myself in a lot of respects. I still have much to learn and there is still a lot of things I am sure I still need to figure out. My mind is constantly changing but I guess that is just the stage of life I am in right now, and I am fine with that.

Things I am not:

An athlete. I love sports, I watch ESPN every day for at least an hour. I will talk football all day long, same goes for basketball. However, I am just not athletically gifted. The only sport I am even marginally good at is basketball. It was the first sport I ever learned how to play. I still love playing to this day but compared with all those who play basketball, I am good for a 3 here or there and occasionally a lucky post move. But I am just not an athlete. And that's ok, cause that's just who I am.

Ryan Gosling. (Tangent side note. Ryan Gosling is the IT guy in Hollywood. Any movie he stars in is almost a guaranteed hit and at least has above a 60% on rottentomatoes. If the movie doesn't perform to expectation, Ryan Gosling can never be blamed for it's lack of success. He always nails his role spot on. I am starting a new trend. If I see a movie that was absolutely stellar, I will tell people "It was Ryan Gosling good." If the movie is a total drag to even watch I'll say "Dude, don't go see it. It was Kristen Stewart (or Taylor Lautner) bad. Is anyone in on this with me?) So there are some people I wish I was sometimes. I wish I was Ryan Gosling sometimes. That guy is a swagger hound. He just has swagger, hands down, can't deny it. If I had his confidence and body and good looks, mannequins would be jealous. However, I am not Ryan Gosling. I don't have front cover abs or perfect hair. Nope, I don't have the looks. I take confidence in the fact that I can grow facial hair the best out of all my friends. I tell myself my glasses make me look sophisticated. And you know what. I am just fine wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie most of the time. I try and make my hair look somewhat decent. If I want to get spruced up, out come the plaid pearl snap western shirts (I don't get much into clothes, but I seriously have like ten of those shirts). And after thinking about it for a while, I am fine with that. Cause that's me.

A clubber, socialite, part of the "beautiful people" group, a scenster, etc: I just never got the appeal of it. Don't get me wrong, I love going out and having a good time. I love company. I am all about good times. However, clubbing, going to massive parties where everyone is dressed to the nines, hangin' with all the people who are all about the latest everything, people who seem to think certain people are beneath them, going to a show and then pontificating with all your local scenster friends about the lack of "creativity" in the local scene. I just never got it. I tried much of the listed above, but I always felt so out of place. And mostly, I hated feeling clumped with everyone else. I wanted to be a member of a group but an individual all at the same time. No easy feat. And after long periods of confusion and mixed experiences, it's the real people who I just want to have good times with. Like sitting around a camp fire swampin' stories with old buddies from high school. Or talking to someone about a book they just finished, an album they just listened to, about their day. Yes, this is what I yearn to hear. Not the loud club music with people who don't even really care to know your name. The Format says it best "You know the night life is just not for me, 'cause all you really need are a few good friends." Yup, I am just fine sittin' around with people who care, laughing about our troubles and appreciating the company. Yup, that's who I am.

An Academic. I love learning, I just hate the formal processes of homework and papers. I know it's a necessity, but I seriously don't get why some people find research papers fun. I have hobbies, over achieving isn't one of them. I strive to do my best, but I refuse to study for a test all Saturday when football is on and good times are calling. I prioritize. I just don't like spending so much focusing on achieving that I forget the lessons. So bottom line: I don't like research papers, or algebra, and I really don't care much for the periodic table. I leave it to the professionals and stick to what I know best, music and football. That's me.

Yeah, there are a lot of things I can say I am not, but I am just beginning to learn about the things that I am and the things I value most.

Things I am:

A writer. An amateur and totally inadequate, however I like leaving my ramblings to be read. Maybe someone can relate, or at the very least avoid the pitfalls of my occasional and sometimes often misguided step.

A reader. I love reading. I wish I would have read more in my earlier years. I love highlighting and marking up books. I like discovering truth in words.

A student. I don't love all subjects, But really, I am interested in the world and in people. I want to know how people think, why they do what they do and what their story is. I love discussing theories. I love thinking about mysteries of life and the unknown. My mind is a sponge, it just doesn't soak up the water of cells and polynomials very well.

A sinner. I am human at best. I make mistakes constantly. I come up short. I struggle with weakness. I haven't done the right thing at times. I struggle just like everyone else

A saint. I am a work in progress. I am trying to be the best person I know how to be. I try to do good. I try to be good. I try to encourage good. I do my best to love. I do my best to give. I am a work in progress. I am a saint in the making.

Me. Yup, there is only one me in this world. There may be some similar knock off brands, but I am the only genuine brand of me. And I am trying to brand that self to be a true original.

So I will go on appreciate me for who I am, or at least trying.

Quirks I will appreciate:

I walk at a bit slower rate than anyone. Plenty of people ask 'Why do you walk so slow?' I say 'Whats the rush? Besides it gives me time to think.'

On my low ebb days, my mom always says I sound like Eyore. I find that funny in a weird way.

I still sit in class and daydream about being a rock star. I am 24 years old but still, I can dream right?

I don't like tomatoes

I like Nutella.

I am constantly making top five lists in my head. I am meticulous about my I tunes library. My handwriting still resembles the hand writing I had in sixth grade. I write lyrics to songs I love just to pass the time. I am a wanna be artist, constantly looking a creative outlet yet never satisfied with what I create.

I have knobby knees.

I will watch almost any reality show. I don't know why, but so many times the train wreck is so bad I have to watch it. It's comedy I think. And overall, I am way more into pop culture than I let on.

I like words

I like music

Conversations are what I yearn for.

I am quirky

I am me.

Yup, I am just beginning to like me for me. And I have to let you in on a little secret. Life is a lot more pleasant when you give yourself a break. I still have insecurities. I still struggle with confidence. But who doesn't? Yeah, I am not special in that regard. I am just one more person who is somewhat aware of who they are and what they aren't. And I appreciate it.

In the meantime, I will appreciate:

The Lord

The Gospel

Good music

Good company

Sunny days

Rainy days

and you....

Love yourself, besides, everyone else does.

Just being myself,

The traveler (who appreciates and is trying not to get caught up in the noise)

For a tune that has helped me weather some storms click HERE

I had Plans but Life had Others

A year ago I had plans, I had plans 5 years ago, 10 years ago. I've always been planning.

Life had other plans for me though.

First, I want to let you know about a fellow blogger I will quote a couple times in this post. Her name is Kristen but the blogging world knows her as Keen. A few moons ago I was looking through blogs one winter day. I don't tell a lot of people but blogs fascinate me. Most people don't know I blog. Words are the only way I find expression and release. Anywho, so I stumbled upon this blog titled from keen. I read about ten posts right then and there. Keen has a gift. When you read her writing, it is as if she is talking to you in person. That is rare. I soon inquired more and found out that we actually went to high school together, same graduating class and all. We ran in different circles, so we didn't ever really know each other. I kinda wish we had though, she would have been a breath of fresh air in a sea of the high school confusion. You know, those years where no body really understands who they are and everyone is yearning for an identity. I probably would have been too caught up in my youthful inmaturity to appreciate a good friend with a good head on her shoulders back then anyway. All besides the point, the point is that after reading Keen's writing, you realize you just may not be alone in the way you see the world, or at least you know that there is someone out there who at least stops to think about all the curveballs life throws at you. I usually just waste words on lower cases and capitals, she makes the words worth your while. I like her words, and I know when you read them, you will like them too. So I'm not just suggesting here, I am telling you read her blog! To do so click HERE.

Back to what I was saying:

I have always been planning. Some people say that it is a good habit to have. I was always told planning is preperation. So I planned, planned everything out to excruciating detail. I had my map and blue print for life, and it was going to turn out just the way I expected it too.

Then something happened: Life

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"-John Lennon

This last year has been a rough one, a rough one with good reason. I had lessons I needed to learn, and I guess the only way I was going to learn was trial by fire. Details aren't really important, but the lessons that I learned are. One thing I learned from all of it, my plan was flawed, and ultimately not where I was supposed to be going. It's not to say that the overall big picture changed, that stayed mostly in tact. However, all the details changed.

I had it all planned out. I was gonna do something with Psychology. It always interested me but I was getting increasingly turned off to the idea of sitting in the office all day dealing with the issues of winter. I didn't want the burden of knowing the deep personal problems of individuals and then just be expected to leave it at the door when I went home. However, a professional counselor told me I would be good at it. At the time, I didn't have an answer for myself, so I took his. I had dated girl a couple of years ago. Everything was falling into place. I had served my mission like I had planned all my life. I was home and ready to move on to the next step. The girl I found was a good one. We would drive for hours just talking. I felt at home, she was becoming my home. I started picturing us a few years down the road, married and dropping off our little one off so grandma could watch him while we were finishing up school. My son would run and play in the house that had been my home since I was 9 years old. The home that was the destination of memories. Life was turning out good for me. But it all changed. One summer day she told me "I just can't. I'm sorry.". My plans had been shattered. Her words were the brick, my plans were the window. Glass layed there shattered. Within a month, my parents had moved to Oregon. I stayed behind to go to school. I thought my home was going to be there anyway, she was becoming my home. Within days, I had no clue what I was doing anymore. Life happened.

Fast forward a year later. I am doing pretty good. I got a steady job. It pays crap but I have a job. I am moving ahead in school after a year of goofing off and not taking anything seriously. I am moving forward. My troubles are starting to be a thing of the past. I feel like I am growing up. I am rolling with the punches. Then everything just collapsed. It seemed like everyone I loved just dropped out of my life. With my family over 700 miles away, I soon found myself feeling homesick, but I had no where to call home anymore.

"Home. A place where no words necessarily need to be said and deep breathes can be taken. Where judgement will not get the best of you and love comes without any cost." - Kristen Warwick

That is what I missed. Home. I didn't have one anymore. No place to call home, no one to call home. My home wasn't where it used to be. The house I grew up was now occupied by strangers. It used to be my home, now it was someone else's. Life happened.

And then the eye of the storm descended upon me. The waves became rough. My ship started to sink. I was not the captain I thought I was. Fear overcame me. Life just became a drag. My maps had driven me to a sea I never intended to go. My maps, my plans, my problem.

Over the course of the last year, as I weathered storms I never had planned on, I realized something. Life is something you can't plan. Life happens. It is not planned.

Life doesn't always take us to where we planned, but if we see it through, it will always take us to where we need to be. As I look back, as painful as it was, I am glad my plans didn't pan out. I have never been to succesful when planning things by myself, so why was I planning my life by myself? Because we all do it. We all think we know exactly what needs to happen. We all seem to think we know what is best. We tend to think we are the compass, not the traveler. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying if we are headed to where we planned that we forget to look at the compass. Maybe we are scared in the direction it is pointing us. However, fear only keeps us where we are. Fear never gets us anywhere.

It is not to say that one will not encounter pain when going in the direction the compass points towards. In fact, it may be the more painful path for some. However, pain comes from love, and life without love is just mere existence. I would much rather live than just exist. It brings me back to another great experience blogged by Keen, read it Here. I can't help but think about the old man keen tells us about. Did he plan for the places life took him? Did he plan on the pain he felt from the loss of his sweet wife? Did he picture himself eating his breakfast at McDonalds alone during that summer day? Did he plan all that out? I am going to go out on a limb and say he didn't. However, from what keen tells us of his sweet wife, I am sure he would have lived his life a million times over, even with all the curveballs and pains that he has experienced, because life gave him his most precious wife. From the love described so simply by keen in the post, I can't help but think that life didn't turn out the way he planned. It turned out unimaginably better.

You can't plan love, You can't plan pain. You can't plan for the times where everyone seems to have the answers but you. You can't plan every detail out to your preference. If you did, you would be missing out on something far greater than you could ever plan. Life is life. I think we need to stop planning it and start living it.

It's not to say that planning doesn't have a place. It does. It at least gives us an idea of what to look for when life presents us with chances and it opens certain doors. But we shouldn't be discouraged when the plans seem to shatter. You may look at the glass on the pavement and wonder if life will ever be what it could have been. The harsh truth: No it won't, it will be better.

Life brings us to people, life brings late summer night conversations, life brings us the times when we laugh until tears are welling up in my hazel eyes. And it is at that moment when I think to myself 'This is better than anything I could have ever planned.'

So in the meantime:

Be patient with yourself

Love yourself

Love others

Give time it's space

And stop worrying, Life is just a ever unfolding event of good surprises. The kind of surprises like finding a five dollar bill in your jeans, of running into an old friend, of having your geology class cancelled so your monday actually ends on a good note, sitting in an applebees in salt lake, just enjoying the fact the your entire family is together in one place and for that 45 minutes, that booth is home. Yes, life is good, in the most unexpected way.

Giving life a chance,

The traveler who is living (not planning)

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a ballon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I am talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."- American Beauty

The Problem of Pain

Yes, I know the title to this post is the title of a beloved book written by one of my personal heros C.S. Lewis, but there really is a problem to pain.

During a discussion someone once posed this question that went something like "Is happiness the natural state for a mankind?" I sat there in a stupor. My first reaction was "Of course, almost everything pursued in life is with the desire for happiness," but then I thought for a minute. The person who posed the question went on to describe just how many things are painful in life, from physical pain to the mental, emotional and spiritual elements. I realized then what I had been dreading: Pain is unavoidable. Pain is the price for living. To go through life without pain is a life that never had any substance, that never loved or cared. And in the midst of all these thoughts, another came to me "Why do I spend so much time fighting pain? If it's here to stay, what am I to do? Have I lost the battle?" but then I realized "Fighting pain is a lot more painful than just accepting pain."

"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self." Kahlil Gibran

I stood in the dark and let myself feel darkness

I stood in the sun and let myself feel alive

I stood in front of you and let myself be there with you

And you said it was good to have you back

I replied "It is good to be back, I missed this"

We walked and never spoke much of the fire

because we both knew we had a sound understanding of each other

There were better things to discuss than trials and tribulations

We had the future to think about

"I was made for sunny days. I made do with grey, but I didn't stay. I was made for sunny days and I was made for you"- The Weepies

I think that there really isn't a problem of pain, pain is part of life and it is something worthwhile. The lessons are never in the reward. They are along the road, the road is the real treasure or better yet, the fellow travelers. Pain is there, but it isn't an enemy, it's just a part of life. And in the end, joy is just pain that has bloomed. And we will see everything for what it really is. Pain always comes into our life, but it never stays unless we ask it too, and too often pain is wanting to part ways with the soul but we afraid what we will do without it. We ask it too stay, often times much longer than it wants too. Sometimes we just need to keep traveling, for we will cross paths with pain many times along the way, but we were never meant to have it as our companion.

"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."- Mumford & Sons

It's good to know that hard times are gonna come, but so are good times. And with every hard time, the good times only get richer.

Living,

A postcard from a traveler (who crosses the path of pain here and there, but keeps moving)