It is interesting the way I viewed the town of my youth as opposed to the way I view it now. It is weird to long for a place that at one time you couldn't wait to leave.
Yeah, I was one of those kids in high school who just hated everything about where he lived and took pride in his disdain. I still remember the first day of school my senior year. I was blaring "Another Brick in the Wall Pt.2" by Pink Floyd and enjoyed hating every minute of school. I had the worst attitude and was cocky about it. I felt it I was so above it, I was too mature to be wasting my time having school spirit and be involved in the dramatics of high school (I used to say how much I hated drama but for someone who proclaimed to hate it so much, I sure found a lot of it in stupid quantities. I was the cause sometimes but more often I would keep the flames going. An embarrassing phase of life to say the least). I just hated high school. And lately, a very weird thought has occurred. I wish I had a better attitude back then. I wish I would have lightened up. I was I would have enjoyed it for what it was worth.
Now, I am not saying I wish high school back. Hell no! I can honestly say not a day goes by that I am not thankful that those terribly confusing times are over. I am just wondering if I could have made it a little bit more bearable along the way. I wonder what I would say to my 16 or 17 year old self. I think I would just laugh and say 'Lighten up man. Live and let live. Chill out. It's not going to last forever. Enjoy it as much as you can'.
Other things I would tell him:
You are going to laugh about this in a few years
You are actually going to get good grades in college (Except that world history class you had. Don't worry, you'll know what I am talking about)
She isn't the one, neither is the next one that comes alone
You are going to have a very different outlook
The people that will matter in the long run are going to stick around
You are actually going to be friends with half these people
You are going to be embarrassed that you liked that band
You will be ok kid....
You are already ok....
Calm down.
Be yourself.
Love yourself a little bit.
"Turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town" - Daniel Johnston
I realized that the biggest contributor to this little hell of mine was myself. I created it all in my head. I choose it. It was my doing. I was not a victim. I was the problem. I guess that is part of growing up though, realizing your mistakes, laughing it off and moving on. Sometimes the laughing part isn't so easy but it comes in time.
"So we bottled and shelved all our regrets, let the ferment and came back to our senses. Drove back home, slept a few days, woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be."- Straylight Run
I have found myself ending up in my old stomping grounds lately. Sometimes I start driving, intending to go stop by so and so or run this errand or that. I end up driving in circles around what used to be known as home to me. Memories flood my vision. I see the gas station where I would cut class with anyone and everyone (No joke here, I think my attendance percentage senior year was a little over 50%. I think everyone witnessed a small miracle when I walked across the stage at graduation. God bless BYU independent study). Kholers, the place to be on a Friday night if you were in junior high (at least back in my day, which was over ten years ago. Wow. Long time.) The spot that was our spot between us 4 friends. The spot where I got caught out after curfew when I was 14, with our back packs spilling over with toilet paper after a unsuccessful tee-pee run. The corner where it all ended. The park where it all started. The driveways where we used to gather. Night games. It's all so fresh in my mind, even though it was years ago.
I am coming to appreciate my home for what it is. It is my home where I met my closest friends. It is home where a lot of my family still is. The neighbourhood that raised me. The streets that carried me. The times that molded me. Yeah, I wouldn't change it. I wish I would have had perspective, but I wouldn't change it.
I had a great time in high school, only I am just starting to realize it.
Is this weird?
Appreciate the past
Live in the present
Welcome the future
Standing still,
Little Lion Man
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