"I'm proud of myself and the loner I've become..." - Say Anything
You know, sometimes I get to a point where I am totally comfortable with who I am. I know that is rare when living in a world that is always telling me to be this or that, that I have to wear certain clothes, that I have to look a certain way, listen to the right music, say the right things, be everything I really am not.
I am treading unfamiliar ground right now. Not in a bad way though. For the first time in a good while, I feel good about where I am at, where I am going and confident about the future. I know storms are ahead because even though I feel grown up and mature sometimes, I know deep down inside that I am just at the beginning of a long road full of experiences. Some will be pleasant, some even joyous while others may be sobering.
And you know what? I am starting to actually like myself a bit. I'm starting to appreciate my quirks instead of trying to fix them. For the first time in a very long, long, long, long, long time I am just trying to be me, not somebody I am not.
" I am just trying to be myself, whoever that is."-Bob Dylan
I have come to learn a lot of things about myself this last year, and feel like I am beginning to understand myself in a lot of respects. I still have much to learn and there is still a lot of things I am sure I still need to figure out. My mind is constantly changing but I guess that is just the stage of life I am in right now, and I am fine with that.
Things I am not:
An athlete. I love sports, I watch ESPN every day for at least an hour. I will talk football all day long, same goes for basketball. However, I am just not athletically gifted. The only sport I am even marginally good at is basketball. It was the first sport I ever learned how to play. I still love playing to this day but compared with all those who play basketball, I am good for a 3 here or there and occasionally a lucky post move. But I am just not an athlete. And that's ok, cause that's just who I am.
Ryan Gosling. (Tangent side note. Ryan Gosling is the IT guy in Hollywood. Any movie he stars in is almost a guaranteed hit and at least has above a 60% on rottentomatoes. If the movie doesn't perform to expectation, Ryan Gosling can never be blamed for it's lack of success. He always nails his role spot on. I am starting a new trend. If I see a movie that was absolutely stellar, I will tell people "It was Ryan Gosling good." If the movie is a total drag to even watch I'll say "Dude, don't go see it. It was Kristen Stewart (or Taylor Lautner) bad. Is anyone in on this with me?) So there are some people I wish I was sometimes. I wish I was Ryan Gosling sometimes. That guy is a swagger hound. He just has swagger, hands down, can't deny it. If I had his confidence and body and good looks, mannequins would be jealous. However, I am not Ryan Gosling. I don't have front cover abs or perfect hair. Nope, I don't have the looks. I take confidence in the fact that I can grow facial hair the best out of all my friends. I tell myself my glasses make me look sophisticated. And you know what. I am just fine wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie most of the time. I try and make my hair look somewhat decent. If I want to get spruced up, out come the plaid pearl snap western shirts (I don't get much into clothes, but I seriously have like ten of those shirts). And after thinking about it for a while, I am fine with that. Cause that's me.
A clubber, socialite, part of the "beautiful people" group, a scenster, etc: I just never got the appeal of it. Don't get me wrong, I love going out and having a good time. I love company. I am all about good times. However, clubbing, going to massive parties where everyone is dressed to the nines, hangin' with all the people who are all about the latest everything, people who seem to think certain people are beneath them, going to a show and then pontificating with all your local scenster friends about the lack of "creativity" in the local scene. I just never got it. I tried much of the listed above, but I always felt so out of place. And mostly, I hated feeling clumped with everyone else. I wanted to be a member of a group but an individual all at the same time. No easy feat. And after long periods of confusion and mixed experiences, it's the real people who I just want to have good times with. Like sitting around a camp fire swampin' stories with old buddies from high school. Or talking to someone about a book they just finished, an album they just listened to, about their day. Yes, this is what I yearn to hear. Not the loud club music with people who don't even really care to know your name. The Format says it best "You know the night life is just not for me, 'cause all you really need are a few good friends." Yup, I am just fine sittin' around with people who care, laughing about our troubles and appreciating the company. Yup, that's who I am.
An Academic. I love learning, I just hate the formal processes of homework and papers. I know it's a necessity, but I seriously don't get why some people find research papers fun. I have hobbies, over achieving isn't one of them. I strive to do my best, but I refuse to study for a test all Saturday when football is on and good times are calling. I prioritize. I just don't like spending so much focusing on achieving that I forget the lessons. So bottom line: I don't like research papers, or algebra, and I really don't care much for the periodic table. I leave it to the professionals and stick to what I know best, music and football. That's me.
Yeah, there are a lot of things I can say I am not, but I am just beginning to learn about the things that I am and the things I value most.
Things I am:
A writer. An amateur and totally inadequate, however I like leaving my ramblings to be read. Maybe someone can relate, or at the very least avoid the pitfalls of my occasional and sometimes often misguided step.
A reader. I love reading. I wish I would have read more in my earlier years. I love highlighting and marking up books. I like discovering truth in words.
A student. I don't love all subjects, But really, I am interested in the world and in people. I want to know how people think, why they do what they do and what their story is. I love discussing theories. I love thinking about mysteries of life and the unknown. My mind is a sponge, it just doesn't soak up the water of cells and polynomials very well.
A sinner. I am human at best. I make mistakes constantly. I come up short. I struggle with weakness. I haven't done the right thing at times. I struggle just like everyone else
A saint. I am a work in progress. I am trying to be the best person I know how to be. I try to do good. I try to be good. I try to encourage good. I do my best to love. I do my best to give. I am a work in progress. I am a saint in the making.
Me. Yup, there is only one me in this world. There may be some similar knock off brands, but I am the only genuine brand of me. And I am trying to brand that self to be a true original.
So I will go on appreciate me for who I am, or at least trying.
Quirks I will appreciate:
I walk at a bit slower rate than anyone. Plenty of people ask 'Why do you walk so slow?' I say 'Whats the rush? Besides it gives me time to think.'
On my low ebb days, my mom always says I sound like Eyore. I find that funny in a weird way.
I still sit in class and daydream about being a rock star. I am 24 years old but still, I can dream right?
I don't like tomatoes
I like Nutella.
I am constantly making top five lists in my head. I am meticulous about my I tunes library. My handwriting still resembles the hand writing I had in sixth grade. I write lyrics to songs I love just to pass the time. I am a wanna be artist, constantly looking a creative outlet yet never satisfied with what I create.
I have knobby knees.
I will watch almost any reality show. I don't know why, but so many times the train wreck is so bad I have to watch it. It's comedy I think. And overall, I am way more into pop culture than I let on.
I like words
I like music
Conversations are what I yearn for.
I am quirky
I am me.
Yup, I am just beginning to like me for me. And I have to let you in on a little secret. Life is a lot more pleasant when you give yourself a break. I still have insecurities. I still struggle with confidence. But who doesn't? Yeah, I am not special in that regard. I am just one more person who is somewhat aware of who they are and what they aren't. And I appreciate it.
In the meantime, I will appreciate:
The Lord
The Gospel
Good music
Good company
Sunny days
Rainy days
and you....
Love yourself, besides, everyone else does.
Just being myself,
The traveler (who appreciates and is trying not to get caught up in the noise)
For a tune that has helped me weather some storms click HERE
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