Homesick

Where did you go? What happened to that boy who left his home four years ago? How come he never came home? Did he get lost while he was trying to save souls?

What happened to your plan? Instead of standing your ground you ran. When will you leave your youth to become a man?

When will you realize your home is no more? When will you see that now you are all on your own? Sorry, but there is no where for you to go home.

Sometimes I get homesick. I can't exactly pin point what exactly I am homesick for, i just long for somewhere, something, someone. I just want to feel at home again, something I haven't felt since I left the haven of home for the great state of Texas. After two years I came home, but home went somewhere while I was gone, and I still haven't found it.

"You can't go home again, you can't go home..."-Straylight Run

I watched Garden State the other night. That movie is genius. I highly recommend it to anyone. It's one of those movies that could be a song, there are so many parts that connect to me that it's like music. One line in particular...

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your sh*t, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Is that all it is now, an imaginary place? Do I yearn for something that doesn't exist? Do I keep praying for an answer that doesn't exist? I think at this point in life, I am supposed to feel this way, and this feeling will compel me to something. I just can't figure out what. I just can't seem to shake the feeling of now or never. As if I need to have myself figured now and never deviate from that for the rest of my life. As Joshua Radin says "I should know who I am by now."

It's not to say that I haven't felt glimpses of home since I embarked to the Lone star state decked out in a suit with a black name tag and a part in my hair. Texas became home to me. I actually felt more homesick for Texas when I came back than I did for my own home when I left. It hurt, it still does. I know what I missed wasn't just a certain street, or a house. It was the connection, the sense of purpose and sense of being.

I had dinner with my best friend and his fiance last night. We laughed like we always do, talked about the NBA draft (cause the jazz season is a lost cause. My sights are set on the lottery now), talked about the stupidity of our high school antics and laughed at how stupid we used to be. If he only knew how much I envy him now. It's not to say he has it made, he is one of the hardest working guys I know, nothing has been handed to him. He just seems to know where he is going and who he is going with. I don't know either. He looked like he was home, and my face just showed how lost I really felt.

I am just scared of being left behind, of having to find home by myself. It seems like everyone else is moving on to the better days promised, and I am still stuck trying to figure myself out. I just want to get it right.

If there is a song to sum up the feeling, it would be Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie.

Home is good conversation

Home is long drives

Home is Christmas

Home is filled with friends

Home is my haven

Home is meant to be shared

Home is you...

I hope you find home, and when you do, will you tell me where it is and who is there?

Traveling,

A postcard from the lost (and trying to be content with what I do have)