And so I think back to how much I used to want it, yearn for it, desire it. Maybe I still do but I just keep talking myself out of it or just distract myself with selfish interest. Either way, it is a dilemma. I want it but it seems to evade me and when it comes to me I run from it. What I want scares me the most. Maybe I am just too stubborn for wanting it my way. Maybe my way doesn't exist.
Other times I just can't figure or convince myself of the possibility. How do you connect with someone to that level. There are people who are constantly in relationships. I wonder how it is that they make that connection. I feel like I have made that deep and binding connection maybe once or twice, ever. And even then, the connection didn't last. So what am I to make of it? Who knows.
Maybe it is has just been so long since even the potential of this alleged connection has even arisen in my mind. It seems like too many winters have come and gone since the last time I even could put someone in that picture. I used to be so sure of it in my youth, and I spent desperate misguided hours trying to find it. Where did that longing go? Has it been destroyed by doubt? Has it been drowned out by modern thought?
"My memory no longer allows me the luxury of remembering such frivolous times" - Kristen Warwick
Some people tell me you just have to be this or that. They tell me what women really want and what will attract and sweep them off their feet. Yet sometimes I think we are all just animal instincts. It all comes down to some physical attraction. It's a sad fact of reality and looks matter more than we like to admit. Maybe it's a sign that I feel so totally uncomfortable around those crowds known as 'beautiful people'. Maybe it's just a crap shoot. You roll the dice and you just try your chances. Maybe love is just some trivial game of chance. And no one is ever the complete. There will always be someone who is more attractive, more successful, greater, taller, smarter.
But they tell you it will eventually work out, and you just put your faith in someone else's hope for yourself. They tell you to keep trying and just keep asking around. I see where they are coming from but I have to trivialize something so sacred as the idea of love and combine it with the law of average. But maybe that's what we will all end up in the end, average love. We are rarely get everything we want.
I don't mean to sound like a pessimist. I am really not trying to extinguish the flames some people have worked so hard to create. They have probably made sense of something that I still can not wrap my understanding around and make my own. Maybe that have suffered enough doubt to see through to the reward. Who knows. I am just trying to understand that's all. I am just asking questions. But they are questions to myself that I am trying my best to answer in my own time. Yet, I will keep asking friends who have seem to have found the needle in the haystack. They found someone that answered the question. I ask them how they knew it was that luminous intangible thing known as love. And they all say the something "I don't know, I just somehow knew". So I realize that no one can answer this question for me. So questions must suffice for now.
It still occupies my midnight thoughts and occasionally I trail off in thought from a lyric, story, or even a mere glimpse into my past when I was so sure of what was to come and more importantly who was to come.
Yet, just like my friend keen, I am completely infatuated with the idea. But that is all it is for now, an idea. Maybe one day, it will be more than just a midnight thought.
From that small corner of eternity,
Little Lion Man
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