This town seems hardly worth the time.

Another weekend, another party. I am growing really tired of this town, maybe it's the scene, maybe it's the people, maybe it's just me. I guess it just depends on who I feel like blaming and what my conscious will let me get away with.

I never want to complain. I don't think like writing just for criticism. Yet, we all complain. Some of it is never vocal, yet my complaints too often escape past my teeth by manipulating me into thinking I am just speaking my mind. I have a good life, I really do. I consider myself more than blessed to have the family and friends that I do have. But I have my pet peeves and I know the places where I feel in my element and the ones where I feel completely out of place.

I went to some dessert party. It was in south Provo in a really ritzy neighborhood full of Provo all-stars, summer sales MVPs, and future pinnacle wives. I felt uncomfortable just walking into the place. Anyone who was above 5% body fat was looked at suspiciously. Every girl looked the same, every guy looked the same. I should have known better walking in wearing a plaid shirt and my moccasins. The place was way too crowded and the perfume and cologne made me feel like I was in Macys. We stayed for five minutes and then left. My friend tried to talk to a girl, she just looked at him and then walked away. Apparently we didn't have the 'it' factor, whatever it is.

"All the hours that you've been sitting at your vanity. May they carry you far from your misery" - Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley River Band

Provo. I like to call it the Mormon L.A. sometimes. It's eating away at me. I feel out of place more often than not. It's not that I wish to be involved in whatever other people are doing. I just wish for real conversation and real people, which is becoming harder to come across with each passing weekend. Yet, I feel stuck. I am so far into school here and all my friends are here, but they are all moving on to greener pastures of life. So am I, but I want out of here.

You know, I am beginning to wonder if everything that has been a waste. Maybe the ideal and whatever is good is dying with my generation. It seems like we have been so caught up scenes and fads and trying to establish our collective identity that the philosophy of being an individual has died out. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places or maybe the vanity seeks me out. I can't tell. But I do feel like so much is wasted on my generation. So much is pinned on the clothes, the make up. We have been taught form very young ages to walk around with a mask on. Our generation is the first generation where it is weird to strike up a conversation with someone. We have to be facebook friends first or there has to be selfish interest. Rarely is there conversation just for the sake of good conversation and getting to know someone. It's all become about intentions, which are often misread and are even more often selfish.

Everyone keeps telling me I need to put myself out there, I need to talk to more people, more specifically girls. Every long lost friend will inevitably ask me about my love life. I tell them I date here and there. I try to talk to a girl when I see an opportunity. Truth is, the older I get the harder it is to find the connection, the spark, the 'it' factor. I see some people who are in love or at least confess to be and I can't comprehend it. Of all the people in the world, of all the little quirks and your preferences, not to mention being comfortable enough to share yourself, how did you two make the connection? What made this one different? Sometimes I wonder if I am just lost on the whole thing, will my over analytical mind ever let things take its course. Time will tell I guess.

But I do know where it will not be found. It won't be found in a scene, in some fashion, in a trend, in the masses. It will be found in a individual, who knows who she is and doesn't make excuses for it. Who in genuinely concerned for others well being as well as her own. Who has her own view and knows what she wants and sticks to it. She is going to be an individual, a complete individual.

And I will continue to try and stay true to who I am. And not get caught up in the fads, the parties, the people, the noise of the world.

Playin' the Harmonica,

Little Lion Man

The shins say it the best abstractly...