I'll face the fact that I'm just fine...

"I'm proud of myself and the loner I've become..." - Say Anything

You know, sometimes I get to a point where I am totally comfortable with who I am. I know that is rare when living in a world that is always telling me to be this or that, that I have to wear certain clothes, that I have to look a certain way, listen to the right music, say the right things, be everything I really am not.

I am treading unfamiliar ground right now. Not in a bad way though. For the first time in a good while, I feel good about where I am at, where I am going and confident about the future. I know storms are ahead because even though I feel grown up and mature sometimes, I know deep down inside that I am just at the beginning of a long road full of experiences. Some will be pleasant, some even joyous while others may be sobering.

And you know what? I am starting to actually like myself a bit. I'm starting to appreciate my quirks instead of trying to fix them. For the first time in a very long, long, long, long, long time I am just trying to be me, not somebody I am not.

" I am just trying to be myself, whoever that is."-Bob Dylan

I have come to learn a lot of things about myself this last year, and feel like I am beginning to understand myself in a lot of respects. I still have much to learn and there is still a lot of things I am sure I still need to figure out. My mind is constantly changing but I guess that is just the stage of life I am in right now, and I am fine with that.

Things I am not:

An athlete. I love sports, I watch ESPN every day for at least an hour. I will talk football all day long, same goes for basketball. However, I am just not athletically gifted. The only sport I am even marginally good at is basketball. It was the first sport I ever learned how to play. I still love playing to this day but compared with all those who play basketball, I am good for a 3 here or there and occasionally a lucky post move. But I am just not an athlete. And that's ok, cause that's just who I am.

Ryan Gosling. (Tangent side note. Ryan Gosling is the IT guy in Hollywood. Any movie he stars in is almost a guaranteed hit and at least has above a 60% on rottentomatoes. If the movie doesn't perform to expectation, Ryan Gosling can never be blamed for it's lack of success. He always nails his role spot on. I am starting a new trend. If I see a movie that was absolutely stellar, I will tell people "It was Ryan Gosling good." If the movie is a total drag to even watch I'll say "Dude, don't go see it. It was Kristen Stewart (or Taylor Lautner) bad. Is anyone in on this with me?) So there are some people I wish I was sometimes. I wish I was Ryan Gosling sometimes. That guy is a swagger hound. He just has swagger, hands down, can't deny it. If I had his confidence and body and good looks, mannequins would be jealous. However, I am not Ryan Gosling. I don't have front cover abs or perfect hair. Nope, I don't have the looks. I take confidence in the fact that I can grow facial hair the best out of all my friends. I tell myself my glasses make me look sophisticated. And you know what. I am just fine wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie most of the time. I try and make my hair look somewhat decent. If I want to get spruced up, out come the plaid pearl snap western shirts (I don't get much into clothes, but I seriously have like ten of those shirts). And after thinking about it for a while, I am fine with that. Cause that's me.

A clubber, socialite, part of the "beautiful people" group, a scenster, etc: I just never got the appeal of it. Don't get me wrong, I love going out and having a good time. I love company. I am all about good times. However, clubbing, going to massive parties where everyone is dressed to the nines, hangin' with all the people who are all about the latest everything, people who seem to think certain people are beneath them, going to a show and then pontificating with all your local scenster friends about the lack of "creativity" in the local scene. I just never got it. I tried much of the listed above, but I always felt so out of place. And mostly, I hated feeling clumped with everyone else. I wanted to be a member of a group but an individual all at the same time. No easy feat. And after long periods of confusion and mixed experiences, it's the real people who I just want to have good times with. Like sitting around a camp fire swampin' stories with old buddies from high school. Or talking to someone about a book they just finished, an album they just listened to, about their day. Yes, this is what I yearn to hear. Not the loud club music with people who don't even really care to know your name. The Format says it best "You know the night life is just not for me, 'cause all you really need are a few good friends." Yup, I am just fine sittin' around with people who care, laughing about our troubles and appreciating the company. Yup, that's who I am.

An Academic. I love learning, I just hate the formal processes of homework and papers. I know it's a necessity, but I seriously don't get why some people find research papers fun. I have hobbies, over achieving isn't one of them. I strive to do my best, but I refuse to study for a test all Saturday when football is on and good times are calling. I prioritize. I just don't like spending so much focusing on achieving that I forget the lessons. So bottom line: I don't like research papers, or algebra, and I really don't care much for the periodic table. I leave it to the professionals and stick to what I know best, music and football. That's me.

Yeah, there are a lot of things I can say I am not, but I am just beginning to learn about the things that I am and the things I value most.

Things I am:

A writer. An amateur and totally inadequate, however I like leaving my ramblings to be read. Maybe someone can relate, or at the very least avoid the pitfalls of my occasional and sometimes often misguided step.

A reader. I love reading. I wish I would have read more in my earlier years. I love highlighting and marking up books. I like discovering truth in words.

A student. I don't love all subjects, But really, I am interested in the world and in people. I want to know how people think, why they do what they do and what their story is. I love discussing theories. I love thinking about mysteries of life and the unknown. My mind is a sponge, it just doesn't soak up the water of cells and polynomials very well.

A sinner. I am human at best. I make mistakes constantly. I come up short. I struggle with weakness. I haven't done the right thing at times. I struggle just like everyone else

A saint. I am a work in progress. I am trying to be the best person I know how to be. I try to do good. I try to be good. I try to encourage good. I do my best to love. I do my best to give. I am a work in progress. I am a saint in the making.

Me. Yup, there is only one me in this world. There may be some similar knock off brands, but I am the only genuine brand of me. And I am trying to brand that self to be a true original.

So I will go on appreciate me for who I am, or at least trying.

Quirks I will appreciate:

I walk at a bit slower rate than anyone. Plenty of people ask 'Why do you walk so slow?' I say 'Whats the rush? Besides it gives me time to think.'

On my low ebb days, my mom always says I sound like Eyore. I find that funny in a weird way.

I still sit in class and daydream about being a rock star. I am 24 years old but still, I can dream right?

I don't like tomatoes

I like Nutella.

I am constantly making top five lists in my head. I am meticulous about my I tunes library. My handwriting still resembles the hand writing I had in sixth grade. I write lyrics to songs I love just to pass the time. I am a wanna be artist, constantly looking a creative outlet yet never satisfied with what I create.

I have knobby knees.

I will watch almost any reality show. I don't know why, but so many times the train wreck is so bad I have to watch it. It's comedy I think. And overall, I am way more into pop culture than I let on.

I like words

I like music

Conversations are what I yearn for.

I am quirky

I am me.

Yup, I am just beginning to like me for me. And I have to let you in on a little secret. Life is a lot more pleasant when you give yourself a break. I still have insecurities. I still struggle with confidence. But who doesn't? Yeah, I am not special in that regard. I am just one more person who is somewhat aware of who they are and what they aren't. And I appreciate it.

In the meantime, I will appreciate:

The Lord

The Gospel

Good music

Good company

Sunny days

Rainy days

and you....

Love yourself, besides, everyone else does.

Just being myself,

The traveler (who appreciates and is trying not to get caught up in the noise)

For a tune that has helped me weather some storms click HERE

I had Plans but Life had Others

A year ago I had plans, I had plans 5 years ago, 10 years ago. I've always been planning.

Life had other plans for me though.

First, I want to let you know about a fellow blogger I will quote a couple times in this post. Her name is Kristen but the blogging world knows her as Keen. A few moons ago I was looking through blogs one winter day. I don't tell a lot of people but blogs fascinate me. Most people don't know I blog. Words are the only way I find expression and release. Anywho, so I stumbled upon this blog titled from keen. I read about ten posts right then and there. Keen has a gift. When you read her writing, it is as if she is talking to you in person. That is rare. I soon inquired more and found out that we actually went to high school together, same graduating class and all. We ran in different circles, so we didn't ever really know each other. I kinda wish we had though, she would have been a breath of fresh air in a sea of the high school confusion. You know, those years where no body really understands who they are and everyone is yearning for an identity. I probably would have been too caught up in my youthful inmaturity to appreciate a good friend with a good head on her shoulders back then anyway. All besides the point, the point is that after reading Keen's writing, you realize you just may not be alone in the way you see the world, or at least you know that there is someone out there who at least stops to think about all the curveballs life throws at you. I usually just waste words on lower cases and capitals, she makes the words worth your while. I like her words, and I know when you read them, you will like them too. So I'm not just suggesting here, I am telling you read her blog! To do so click HERE.

Back to what I was saying:

I have always been planning. Some people say that it is a good habit to have. I was always told planning is preperation. So I planned, planned everything out to excruciating detail. I had my map and blue print for life, and it was going to turn out just the way I expected it too.

Then something happened: Life

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"-John Lennon

This last year has been a rough one, a rough one with good reason. I had lessons I needed to learn, and I guess the only way I was going to learn was trial by fire. Details aren't really important, but the lessons that I learned are. One thing I learned from all of it, my plan was flawed, and ultimately not where I was supposed to be going. It's not to say that the overall big picture changed, that stayed mostly in tact. However, all the details changed.

I had it all planned out. I was gonna do something with Psychology. It always interested me but I was getting increasingly turned off to the idea of sitting in the office all day dealing with the issues of winter. I didn't want the burden of knowing the deep personal problems of individuals and then just be expected to leave it at the door when I went home. However, a professional counselor told me I would be good at it. At the time, I didn't have an answer for myself, so I took his. I had dated girl a couple of years ago. Everything was falling into place. I had served my mission like I had planned all my life. I was home and ready to move on to the next step. The girl I found was a good one. We would drive for hours just talking. I felt at home, she was becoming my home. I started picturing us a few years down the road, married and dropping off our little one off so grandma could watch him while we were finishing up school. My son would run and play in the house that had been my home since I was 9 years old. The home that was the destination of memories. Life was turning out good for me. But it all changed. One summer day she told me "I just can't. I'm sorry.". My plans had been shattered. Her words were the brick, my plans were the window. Glass layed there shattered. Within a month, my parents had moved to Oregon. I stayed behind to go to school. I thought my home was going to be there anyway, she was becoming my home. Within days, I had no clue what I was doing anymore. Life happened.

Fast forward a year later. I am doing pretty good. I got a steady job. It pays crap but I have a job. I am moving ahead in school after a year of goofing off and not taking anything seriously. I am moving forward. My troubles are starting to be a thing of the past. I feel like I am growing up. I am rolling with the punches. Then everything just collapsed. It seemed like everyone I loved just dropped out of my life. With my family over 700 miles away, I soon found myself feeling homesick, but I had no where to call home anymore.

"Home. A place where no words necessarily need to be said and deep breathes can be taken. Where judgement will not get the best of you and love comes without any cost." - Kristen Warwick

That is what I missed. Home. I didn't have one anymore. No place to call home, no one to call home. My home wasn't where it used to be. The house I grew up was now occupied by strangers. It used to be my home, now it was someone else's. Life happened.

And then the eye of the storm descended upon me. The waves became rough. My ship started to sink. I was not the captain I thought I was. Fear overcame me. Life just became a drag. My maps had driven me to a sea I never intended to go. My maps, my plans, my problem.

Over the course of the last year, as I weathered storms I never had planned on, I realized something. Life is something you can't plan. Life happens. It is not planned.

Life doesn't always take us to where we planned, but if we see it through, it will always take us to where we need to be. As I look back, as painful as it was, I am glad my plans didn't pan out. I have never been to succesful when planning things by myself, so why was I planning my life by myself? Because we all do it. We all think we know exactly what needs to happen. We all seem to think we know what is best. We tend to think we are the compass, not the traveler. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying if we are headed to where we planned that we forget to look at the compass. Maybe we are scared in the direction it is pointing us. However, fear only keeps us where we are. Fear never gets us anywhere.

It is not to say that one will not encounter pain when going in the direction the compass points towards. In fact, it may be the more painful path for some. However, pain comes from love, and life without love is just mere existence. I would much rather live than just exist. It brings me back to another great experience blogged by Keen, read it Here. I can't help but think about the old man keen tells us about. Did he plan for the places life took him? Did he plan on the pain he felt from the loss of his sweet wife? Did he picture himself eating his breakfast at McDonalds alone during that summer day? Did he plan all that out? I am going to go out on a limb and say he didn't. However, from what keen tells us of his sweet wife, I am sure he would have lived his life a million times over, even with all the curveballs and pains that he has experienced, because life gave him his most precious wife. From the love described so simply by keen in the post, I can't help but think that life didn't turn out the way he planned. It turned out unimaginably better.

You can't plan love, You can't plan pain. You can't plan for the times where everyone seems to have the answers but you. You can't plan every detail out to your preference. If you did, you would be missing out on something far greater than you could ever plan. Life is life. I think we need to stop planning it and start living it.

It's not to say that planning doesn't have a place. It does. It at least gives us an idea of what to look for when life presents us with chances and it opens certain doors. But we shouldn't be discouraged when the plans seem to shatter. You may look at the glass on the pavement and wonder if life will ever be what it could have been. The harsh truth: No it won't, it will be better.

Life brings us to people, life brings late summer night conversations, life brings us the times when we laugh until tears are welling up in my hazel eyes. And it is at that moment when I think to myself 'This is better than anything I could have ever planned.'

So in the meantime:

Be patient with yourself

Love yourself

Love others

Give time it's space

And stop worrying, Life is just a ever unfolding event of good surprises. The kind of surprises like finding a five dollar bill in your jeans, of running into an old friend, of having your geology class cancelled so your monday actually ends on a good note, sitting in an applebees in salt lake, just enjoying the fact the your entire family is together in one place and for that 45 minutes, that booth is home. Yes, life is good, in the most unexpected way.

Giving life a chance,

The traveler who is living (not planning)

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a ballon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I am talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."- American Beauty

The Problem of Pain

Yes, I know the title to this post is the title of a beloved book written by one of my personal heros C.S. Lewis, but there really is a problem to pain.

During a discussion someone once posed this question that went something like "Is happiness the natural state for a mankind?" I sat there in a stupor. My first reaction was "Of course, almost everything pursued in life is with the desire for happiness," but then I thought for a minute. The person who posed the question went on to describe just how many things are painful in life, from physical pain to the mental, emotional and spiritual elements. I realized then what I had been dreading: Pain is unavoidable. Pain is the price for living. To go through life without pain is a life that never had any substance, that never loved or cared. And in the midst of all these thoughts, another came to me "Why do I spend so much time fighting pain? If it's here to stay, what am I to do? Have I lost the battle?" but then I realized "Fighting pain is a lot more painful than just accepting pain."

"Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self." Kahlil Gibran

I stood in the dark and let myself feel darkness

I stood in the sun and let myself feel alive

I stood in front of you and let myself be there with you

And you said it was good to have you back

I replied "It is good to be back, I missed this"

We walked and never spoke much of the fire

because we both knew we had a sound understanding of each other

There were better things to discuss than trials and tribulations

We had the future to think about

"I was made for sunny days. I made do with grey, but I didn't stay. I was made for sunny days and I was made for you"- The Weepies

I think that there really isn't a problem of pain, pain is part of life and it is something worthwhile. The lessons are never in the reward. They are along the road, the road is the real treasure or better yet, the fellow travelers. Pain is there, but it isn't an enemy, it's just a part of life. And in the end, joy is just pain that has bloomed. And we will see everything for what it really is. Pain always comes into our life, but it never stays unless we ask it too, and too often pain is wanting to part ways with the soul but we afraid what we will do without it. We ask it too stay, often times much longer than it wants too. Sometimes we just need to keep traveling, for we will cross paths with pain many times along the way, but we were never meant to have it as our companion.

"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."- Mumford & Sons

It's good to know that hard times are gonna come, but so are good times. And with every hard time, the good times only get richer.

Living,

A postcard from a traveler (who crosses the path of pain here and there, but keeps moving)

I'm doin alright...

"I'm writing the folks back home to tell them 'Hey, i'm doin' alright' " - The Format

It was on a porch swing on the 4th of July. I came to the realization that I was going to be ok. I can handle hard times and I don't need to always be doing great, being alright is just fine with me. I realized I needed to stop living my life by everyone else's plans and just breath for a minute or two and just enjoy the days and life I have been given. I stopped trying to fix myself and let time step in and begin to create something that will someday hopefully be worthwhile. I made peace with pain and accepted the fact that it is there. I found myself again in the conversations with friends, with my family, with God. I realized I am trying and that is all I really can do. Things work out.

"For the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" - Joshua Radin

I sat with you and felt the breeze

I accepted love and was realized

We all were home again, just like how we had always talked about

We all left our sand houses

We each found our way back to the rock

When we got there we all discovered we were missing the same thing

Each other and the anchors

I believe in good because I have witnessed many good things

I know that God is aware

I found out I was never really lost

I just forgot where I was going

But my letters found their way to you

and now I am sure of where I am going

It is a good feeling when you start thinking about the possibilities.

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." - C.S. Lewis

Content,

A postcard from a traveler ( cause no one is ever really lost, they just don't know what they are looking for )

Life After The World Is Over

The countdown came and went and I'm still here. I made it through another prediction. Now, I can breath just a slight sigh of relief.

I'll admit I was nervous about the end of the world prediction. Just a tad, though. I think it's just my anxious mind wondering "Could this crazy guy be right? I mean, everyone called Noah crazy, only his family and two of each animal believed him, and look at what happened!" However, I am glad I know that I have a Heavenly Father that is aware of me and that I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ (learn more here), which doesn't make me afraid but provides comfort, in good times and bad. God is good, in a temporal and eternal sort of way.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.-C.S. Lewis

However, all this end of the world stuff made me think, was I really ready for it all to end? I mean, I know in the long run eternity exists and whatever exists matters for something, as to what everything means, I think that will take many long walks and quiet nights to figure out. I do know that all that matters is that I am actually looking, asking and trying to listen.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.-C.S. Lewis

I think there is always some conflict in every soul, at least in every soul who believes in the Father of their soul and believes they have a home which defines happiness in every sense of the word. That conflict of what we want and what we believe God will is for us. I know that for some, the fear is the will of God has nothing that interest or incentive to them other than a heavenly reward and a clear conscious. I know I have often wondered that for myself. However, I have often that thought that what truly makes us happy and what is God's will often overlap and are truly the same thing. After all, God's desire is for us to be as happy as He is. His intentions for us cannot be adequately described as 'for our own good'. It is not just our own good he has in mind, it's our joy, in the past, present and future.

Joy is the serious business of heaven- C.S. Lewis

And now that I come to think of it, those things which I desire most is those things which most are those thing which I know God would approve of. I desire family, friendship, truth, beauty, creation, peace; the things will never grow old to the soul and refine in taste as time accumulates it's value.

There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on joke- C.S. Lewis

However, I think those things that makes us happy never just fall into our lap. It's always seems to fall into the lap of those who don't care and seems to evade those who try so desperately to attain it. The pain and trials seem to make no sense. However, when I am able to step back and look at everything with clear eyes, I realize that this was part of the plan He had all along. Pain is the price tag of those things which we hold dear to our hearts. Again, I think C.S. Lewis puts it best

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be rung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Rap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your own selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not become broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irreedemable. The alternative to tragedy or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is in hell-C.S. Lewis

Knowing those dangers, it makes me scared, but my yearning for things of eternity are far greater than any fear that may arise in me. I will wish and strive for those things which will bring me happiness, which will bring me eternity; family, friends, love, words, truth...

And the pain I experience now and in the past will one day be the best part of the story, it will only be a prelude to better things that came. And for now, I will be content knowing that one day, this will only be a verse to the song, not the chorus.

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers-Gordon B. Hinckley (I miss him dearly)

So I'll continue to hear the predictions about the end of the world and the destruction everyone seems to be so obsessed with. And in the midst of all the madness, I will try and clear the smoke from my eyes and see what is truly worthwhile in the world. And then me and you will sit and enjoy each other and the everything good in the world... I look forward to these conversations.

Eager to live,

A postcard from the lost( but not necessarily hopeless)

I think this song captures the true meaning of joy, family and love...

Have you seen my ghost?

"So that's how I learned the lesson that everyones alone and you eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow. But when crying don't help, you can't compose yourself, it's best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope."-Bright Eyes

Chance is what I count on and how I make it through. Found a ghost in my bedroom and quickly found a friend. Said all the things I was scared to say just to say them. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and cleared the cob webs from inside my head. Dealt with life and death day in and day out, thought I would come away stronger but I just came away exhausted. Put one foot in front of the other only to jump backwards. This was the high wire act to which I had been attempting to scale. Kept on thinking of the books I was meaning to read and the things I was trying to write but only could see.

I was up in Seattle recently, I wish I could say the same for my mind. I intend to enjoy the city in it's fullness next time I am up there. I will walk around Pikes market and pretend I am an intellectual or some bohemian that lives in the city and creates things no one can really understand. I will enjoy the rain. I will feel things I want to feel, I will see the goodness of things. My mind was off worrying about the pointless yet again and robbed me of a good time. Worrying is just a bad habit that is so hard to break.

"Are you some kind of medicine man? Cut the demons out of my head"-Wintersleep

Doctor, please help me find myself again? I fell off a cliff trying to be hero to a person who never bothered to notice. I fell down to the bottom and it hurts to get back up, so I have stayed here sending letters and seeking recommendations, reading books and convincing myself that they were all wrong. And I stare off into space for hours as I mull over scary movies inside my head. I wonder about time and pain and which will be the first to end. I wonder about myself and all my friends. I wonder about all the letters that were returned back to me. I wonder what it feels like to feel free. So Doctor, please don't prescribe me a light blue or tiny white pill, just give me a reason to feel hope and make time stand still. Doctor, Doctor, see me through, or anyone who claims to heal the lame and crippled.

On other notes, music has been found that is quite great, check out this!

Or this....

And finally this (maybe my favorite jazz moment of all time) This one ain't bad either (check it out)

The jazz got the number 3 pick, life can't be all bad.

Waiting for the draft,

A postcard from the lost (and looking for my ghost)

P.S. Be good to people, don't be like this guy....

Mom

It is a couple hours into mothers day and my mom is sitting next to me watching the biography channel and I am writing this dedicatory post to her, she has no clue I am writing about her. She thinks I am on facebook (which is true, but this is where my concentration lies for the time being).

Mothers Day is a special day, after all it is one of two days I got to call home on my mission. That shows how important the day is, and most importantly, how important my mom is.

I have the best mom in the world but more importantly, I have the best mom for me. A lot of the time I don't need to say anything, she can tell exactly what is going on with me just from the look on my face or by the way my voice sounds. My mom knows me better than anyone.

I am also lucky to have a mom that is a mom to a lot of other people than just her kids. Her maternal instincts stretch far beyond blood lines and reaches anyone who just needs a mother figure at a particular point and time and don't have one available for one reason or another. My mom is on call 24/7 for anyone that just needs a mom.

Most importantly, I have never once ever felt like my mom wasn't there for me, and I know that in the crazy world we live in today, I am beyond lucky to have the mom I have, especially lately. The sea has been especially rough and everything before me just seems to terrify me. How grateful I am to have my mom there, to let me know everything will be fine. I think the moment that defines my mom and me the best was when I left on my mission. When the time came to say goodbye, I was more scared than I ever had been in my life. I didn't know if I could do it. I was terrified. I started crying like I was 3 years old again, I was just so scared. My mom was of course crying, cause that's what moms do, especially when they send their little boys off to help others for two years. As I hugged my mom for the last time, all I could say was "Mom, I am scared." What she said next got me through every discouragement and fear during those two years and have always been in the back of my mind whenever life gets a little more difficult than I expected. "I know you are scared, but I wouldn't let you go if I didn't think you were ready."

Those words are the only thing that could have gotten me through the door and on my to one of the best experiences of my life. I realized that day that any courage I have ever showed in my life is because my mother believed in me. No one else inspires me to believe in myself like my mom. She is the only reason I keep trying sometimes, because I know that if my mom knows believe in me, then there just might be a chance everything will turn out better than I expected.

Mom, you are my courage. Thanks for being my mom.

Grateful,

A postcard from the lost (but proud to be the son of an incredible mother)

"Mother: the most beautiful word on the lips on mankind"- Kahlil Gibran