Blown Away...

I had an experience today...

ColdPlay - Mylo Xyloto

Rarely am I blown away the first time I listen to an album. But this time... I just sat there and thought "I can't describe what I just experienced. "

Please listen to the album anyway you can.

I Killed Myself when I was Young...

"I was living in a devil town. I didn't know it was a devil town. Oh Lord, it really brings me down about the devil town. All my friends were vampires, I didn't know they were vampires..." - Daniel Johnston

It is interesting the way I viewed the town of my youth as opposed to the way I view it now. It is weird to long for a place that at one time you couldn't wait to leave.

Yeah, I was one of those kids in high school who just hated everything about where he lived and took pride in his disdain. I still remember the first day of school my senior year. I was blaring "Another Brick in the Wall Pt.2" by Pink Floyd and enjoyed hating every minute of school. I had the worst attitude and was cocky about it. I felt it I was so above it, I was too mature to be wasting my time having school spirit and be involved in the dramatics of high school (I used to say how much I hated drama but for someone who proclaimed to hate it so much, I sure found a lot of it in stupid quantities. I was the cause sometimes but more often I would keep the flames going. An embarrassing phase of life to say the least). I just hated high school. And lately, a very weird thought has occurred. I wish I had a better attitude back then. I wish I would have lightened up. I was I would have enjoyed it for what it was worth.

Now, I am not saying I wish high school back. Hell no! I can honestly say not a day goes by that I am not thankful that those terribly confusing times are over. I am just wondering if I could have made it a little bit more bearable along the way. I wonder what I would say to my 16 or 17 year old self. I think I would just laugh and say 'Lighten up man. Live and let live. Chill out. It's not going to last forever. Enjoy it as much as you can'.

Other things I would tell him:

You are going to laugh about this in a few years

You are actually going to get good grades in college (Except that world history class you had. Don't worry, you'll know what I am talking about)

She isn't the one, neither is the next one that comes alone

You are going to have a very different outlook

The people that will matter in the long run are going to stick around

You are actually going to be friends with half these people

You are going to be embarrassed that you liked that band

You will be ok kid....

You are already ok....

Calm down.

Be yourself.

Love yourself a little bit.

"Turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town" - Daniel Johnston

I realized that the biggest contributor to this little hell of mine was myself. I created it all in my head. I choose it. It was my doing. I was not a victim. I was the problem. I guess that is part of growing up though, realizing your mistakes, laughing it off and moving on. Sometimes the laughing part isn't so easy but it comes in time.

"So we bottled and shelved all our regrets, let the ferment and came back to our senses. Drove back home, slept a few days, woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be."- Straylight Run

I have found myself ending up in my old stomping grounds lately. Sometimes I start driving, intending to go stop by so and so or run this errand or that. I end up driving in circles around what used to be known as home to me. Memories flood my vision. I see the gas station where I would cut class with anyone and everyone (No joke here, I think my attendance percentage senior year was a little over 50%. I think everyone witnessed a small miracle when I walked across the stage at graduation. God bless BYU independent study). Kholers, the place to be on a Friday night if you were in junior high (at least back in my day, which was over ten years ago. Wow. Long time.) The spot that was our spot between us 4 friends. The spot where I got caught out after curfew when I was 14, with our back packs spilling over with toilet paper after a unsuccessful tee-pee run. The corner where it all ended. The park where it all started. The driveways where we used to gather. Night games. It's all so fresh in my mind, even though it was years ago.

I am coming to appreciate my home for what it is. It is my home where I met my closest friends. It is home where a lot of my family still is. The neighbourhood that raised me. The streets that carried me. The times that molded me. Yeah, I wouldn't change it. I wish I would have had perspective, but I wouldn't change it.

I had a great time in high school, only I am just starting to realize it.

Is this weird?

Appreciate the past

Live in the present

Welcome the future

Standing still,

Little Lion Man

Scribbles

Wednesday. The half way point. When you see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weekend is within reach.

What do my days consist of? Random thoughts. Spending too much time on random thoughts. Boredom, Urgency, False alarms and time.

So I am sitting in math class today. I honestly had no clue why I went. Every time I go to math the more confused I become. I will just sit there and soon my bewilderment turns to boredom. Some may ask "Well, be productive and do some other homework from another class." Did I do this? No, I did not. Instead I downloaded the Twitter app on my phone and created a Twitter account. I have no clue why. Everyone else seems to have one, so I followed the sheep off the cliff. My life never sleeps. I feel like I have an alter ego I have created. The Internet is the perfect way to lie about yourself. I hope I stay true to my inconsistent nature. But if you feel so inclined, follow me for obsessions and mumbles @iusedtobeaaron. I am not guarantying anything of value, all I guarantee is words.

I later decided on lunch at Costa Vida. In case people don't know yet, UVU is stepping up their game. They have a costa vida and subway now with a pizza hut expected soon. It feels so ... modern? I have no clue what the word is for it. As I am eating my small salad with a wheat tortilla (that's right, I'm a whole grain kind of guy these days) a lady is walking down the hall singing opera. I like music but opera hurts my ears and my patience. I don't get it. This chick was looking down at her sheet music and just belting it as she walked down the hall. Oh, the characters of the world. It reminds me of this guy who walks around UVU campus with a guitar and just sings all day every day like he is changing the world one UVU soul at a time. He dresses like Johnny Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls circa Dizzy Up the Girl album. It's like I am looking straight into 1998. It's a trip.

So I decide to productive around 6 and hit up my apt complex gym. I would hit up Gold's and then leave with low self esteem from all the tools on steroids but I just can't spend 28 dollars a month right now to maintain an inferiority complex. So I walk into the small little gym at the apt office building and someone is on the stationary bike I always ride. Mind you, this gym is small and ghetto so there are 2 bikes, 2 treadmills, an elliptical that doesn't works and mis-matched collection of dumbbells. So I pump some iron but truly, I just want to get on the bike, work up a sweat and call it a day. However, this lady is on the bike and she is barely pedaling. She is wrapped up in a book. How can some one read while they are trying to do cardio? How can anyone really do anything but listen to music and work up a sweat while working out? She was going so slow so would have burned just as many calories sitting on her couch and lifting her feet up and down. Oh yeah, and this guy was running on the treadmill in crocs. What the hell? Just go barefoot man. The fitness impaired make me shake my head sometimes. Not that I am a guru, I just know enough to know going for a jog in jeans and a pair of moccasins isn't a great idea. You'll ruin a perfectly good pair of Indian shoes.

I do enjoy my music while I am pumping the iron and trimmin' the fat.

Latest Digs:

Deep End - Swollen Members

Cinderella Man - Eminem

Kyla - Swollen Members

White Riot - The Clash

Sink - Brand New

Impatience gets the best of me too often. Let things come as the may in the time they choose.

Will I ever create something worthwhile?

Help me be me.

I just ramble on and on, why do I think anyone is even interested? I'm selfish in my sharing.

Do yourself a favor and don't take me seriously. I don't.

Scribbling. Wondering. Breathing,

Iusedtobeaaron

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like - Garden State

I am here, but my soul is in the Lonestar State

Almost 3 years... yeah, it's been that long. Almost 3 years ago I stepped off a plane from the great state of texas and back into the chaos of real life. I thought it would be great, but it was a lot harder than I expected. I soon became homesick for a place that for two years had been my home, but it felt like it had been my home all my life. It's an interesting thing what can become home to a person. My homes scatter all over, yet seem also so close and connected.

News Flash: Rangers took a 3-2 lead in the world series. Yeah buddy! That's right. One more win and they are world champs. I take a little pride in my rangers. After all, I spent a solid six months serving in one of my favorite places on earth, Arlington, TX. Bless the people there. They are dear to me, even the ones that didn't like me (P.S. I want to make it very clear I am not a cowboys fan. I draw the line at a certain point. I have my teams. I stick with them. I hop on the occasional bandwagon. This year my bandwagon team is the Buffalo Bills. Why you ask? I ask Why Not? Their QB is a Harvard grad and Fred Jackson has produced 20 point games for me on my fantasy team week in and week out. It's not that hard to like them, as opposed to the Cowboys, who repeatedly under perform but yet they are in super bowl talks every year? Give me a break. Give me the Bills on every day that ends in a Y. ) I went to the Ballpark in Arlington twice. It is a classy place. It reminds you why baseball is America's pastime. I miss Texas. I always will.

Nolan Ryan is this big in real life...

"Some people say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like hercules or somethin' " -Sandlot

I beg for a World Series title for my Rangers, for I consider Texas my home. Just like I consider the mountains, Oregon, The desert of AZ, the tiny apt on Arkansas Lane, The coast, the house, the childhood friend, my brothers, my sister, the sun, the water, and you... Yes, I am home.

Standing on the edge of the great plains,

A boy who once was good and a man who is trying to get back to where he once was

Weeks of days

I had a bad case of the mondays this week. Last weekend wasn't nearly long enough. This week went by fast yet very slowly at the same time. Now, I am doing laundry on a friday evening. I am cool. I guess I am grown up. Who knows? Who cares? I really don't know.

Falling

Guessing

Waiting

Worrying

Patience

Waiting

Content

Wondering

Grateful

Exhausted

Rejuvenated

Settled...

It's weird how many different feelings or thoughts may arise in a given week.

Just give yourself time, it will pass.

I think some of creativity arises out of boredom. Boredom of what I can not tell you, but it is a common element.

So this is just a mumble in the vastness of space, probably which no one will read. And those who do, well, I hope they mumble back.

Read books

Write truth

Fight demons

Stand complete...

Cure yourself,

Little Lion Man

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. - C.S. Lewis

I'll face the fact that I'm just fine...

"I'm proud of myself and the loner I've become..." - Say Anything

You know, sometimes I get to a point where I am totally comfortable with who I am. I know that is rare when living in a world that is always telling me to be this or that, that I have to wear certain clothes, that I have to look a certain way, listen to the right music, say the right things, be everything I really am not.

I am treading unfamiliar ground right now. Not in a bad way though. For the first time in a good while, I feel good about where I am at, where I am going and confident about the future. I know storms are ahead because even though I feel grown up and mature sometimes, I know deep down inside that I am just at the beginning of a long road full of experiences. Some will be pleasant, some even joyous while others may be sobering.

And you know what? I am starting to actually like myself a bit. I'm starting to appreciate my quirks instead of trying to fix them. For the first time in a very long, long, long, long, long time I am just trying to be me, not somebody I am not.

" I am just trying to be myself, whoever that is."-Bob Dylan

I have come to learn a lot of things about myself this last year, and feel like I am beginning to understand myself in a lot of respects. I still have much to learn and there is still a lot of things I am sure I still need to figure out. My mind is constantly changing but I guess that is just the stage of life I am in right now, and I am fine with that.

Things I am not:

An athlete. I love sports, I watch ESPN every day for at least an hour. I will talk football all day long, same goes for basketball. However, I am just not athletically gifted. The only sport I am even marginally good at is basketball. It was the first sport I ever learned how to play. I still love playing to this day but compared with all those who play basketball, I am good for a 3 here or there and occasionally a lucky post move. But I am just not an athlete. And that's ok, cause that's just who I am.

Ryan Gosling. (Tangent side note. Ryan Gosling is the IT guy in Hollywood. Any movie he stars in is almost a guaranteed hit and at least has above a 60% on rottentomatoes. If the movie doesn't perform to expectation, Ryan Gosling can never be blamed for it's lack of success. He always nails his role spot on. I am starting a new trend. If I see a movie that was absolutely stellar, I will tell people "It was Ryan Gosling good." If the movie is a total drag to even watch I'll say "Dude, don't go see it. It was Kristen Stewart (or Taylor Lautner) bad. Is anyone in on this with me?) So there are some people I wish I was sometimes. I wish I was Ryan Gosling sometimes. That guy is a swagger hound. He just has swagger, hands down, can't deny it. If I had his confidence and body and good looks, mannequins would be jealous. However, I am not Ryan Gosling. I don't have front cover abs or perfect hair. Nope, I don't have the looks. I take confidence in the fact that I can grow facial hair the best out of all my friends. I tell myself my glasses make me look sophisticated. And you know what. I am just fine wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie most of the time. I try and make my hair look somewhat decent. If I want to get spruced up, out come the plaid pearl snap western shirts (I don't get much into clothes, but I seriously have like ten of those shirts). And after thinking about it for a while, I am fine with that. Cause that's me.

A clubber, socialite, part of the "beautiful people" group, a scenster, etc: I just never got the appeal of it. Don't get me wrong, I love going out and having a good time. I love company. I am all about good times. However, clubbing, going to massive parties where everyone is dressed to the nines, hangin' with all the people who are all about the latest everything, people who seem to think certain people are beneath them, going to a show and then pontificating with all your local scenster friends about the lack of "creativity" in the local scene. I just never got it. I tried much of the listed above, but I always felt so out of place. And mostly, I hated feeling clumped with everyone else. I wanted to be a member of a group but an individual all at the same time. No easy feat. And after long periods of confusion and mixed experiences, it's the real people who I just want to have good times with. Like sitting around a camp fire swampin' stories with old buddies from high school. Or talking to someone about a book they just finished, an album they just listened to, about their day. Yes, this is what I yearn to hear. Not the loud club music with people who don't even really care to know your name. The Format says it best "You know the night life is just not for me, 'cause all you really need are a few good friends." Yup, I am just fine sittin' around with people who care, laughing about our troubles and appreciating the company. Yup, that's who I am.

An Academic. I love learning, I just hate the formal processes of homework and papers. I know it's a necessity, but I seriously don't get why some people find research papers fun. I have hobbies, over achieving isn't one of them. I strive to do my best, but I refuse to study for a test all Saturday when football is on and good times are calling. I prioritize. I just don't like spending so much focusing on achieving that I forget the lessons. So bottom line: I don't like research papers, or algebra, and I really don't care much for the periodic table. I leave it to the professionals and stick to what I know best, music and football. That's me.

Yeah, there are a lot of things I can say I am not, but I am just beginning to learn about the things that I am and the things I value most.

Things I am:

A writer. An amateur and totally inadequate, however I like leaving my ramblings to be read. Maybe someone can relate, or at the very least avoid the pitfalls of my occasional and sometimes often misguided step.

A reader. I love reading. I wish I would have read more in my earlier years. I love highlighting and marking up books. I like discovering truth in words.

A student. I don't love all subjects, But really, I am interested in the world and in people. I want to know how people think, why they do what they do and what their story is. I love discussing theories. I love thinking about mysteries of life and the unknown. My mind is a sponge, it just doesn't soak up the water of cells and polynomials very well.

A sinner. I am human at best. I make mistakes constantly. I come up short. I struggle with weakness. I haven't done the right thing at times. I struggle just like everyone else

A saint. I am a work in progress. I am trying to be the best person I know how to be. I try to do good. I try to be good. I try to encourage good. I do my best to love. I do my best to give. I am a work in progress. I am a saint in the making.

Me. Yup, there is only one me in this world. There may be some similar knock off brands, but I am the only genuine brand of me. And I am trying to brand that self to be a true original.

So I will go on appreciate me for who I am, or at least trying.

Quirks I will appreciate:

I walk at a bit slower rate than anyone. Plenty of people ask 'Why do you walk so slow?' I say 'Whats the rush? Besides it gives me time to think.'

On my low ebb days, my mom always says I sound like Eyore. I find that funny in a weird way.

I still sit in class and daydream about being a rock star. I am 24 years old but still, I can dream right?

I don't like tomatoes

I like Nutella.

I am constantly making top five lists in my head. I am meticulous about my I tunes library. My handwriting still resembles the hand writing I had in sixth grade. I write lyrics to songs I love just to pass the time. I am a wanna be artist, constantly looking a creative outlet yet never satisfied with what I create.

I have knobby knees.

I will watch almost any reality show. I don't know why, but so many times the train wreck is so bad I have to watch it. It's comedy I think. And overall, I am way more into pop culture than I let on.

I like words

I like music

Conversations are what I yearn for.

I am quirky

I am me.

Yup, I am just beginning to like me for me. And I have to let you in on a little secret. Life is a lot more pleasant when you give yourself a break. I still have insecurities. I still struggle with confidence. But who doesn't? Yeah, I am not special in that regard. I am just one more person who is somewhat aware of who they are and what they aren't. And I appreciate it.

In the meantime, I will appreciate:

The Lord

The Gospel

Good music

Good company

Sunny days

Rainy days

and you....

Love yourself, besides, everyone else does.

Just being myself,

The traveler (who appreciates and is trying not to get caught up in the noise)

For a tune that has helped me weather some storms click HERE

I had Plans but Life had Others

A year ago I had plans, I had plans 5 years ago, 10 years ago. I've always been planning.

Life had other plans for me though.

First, I want to let you know about a fellow blogger I will quote a couple times in this post. Her name is Kristen but the blogging world knows her as Keen. A few moons ago I was looking through blogs one winter day. I don't tell a lot of people but blogs fascinate me. Most people don't know I blog. Words are the only way I find expression and release. Anywho, so I stumbled upon this blog titled from keen. I read about ten posts right then and there. Keen has a gift. When you read her writing, it is as if she is talking to you in person. That is rare. I soon inquired more and found out that we actually went to high school together, same graduating class and all. We ran in different circles, so we didn't ever really know each other. I kinda wish we had though, she would have been a breath of fresh air in a sea of the high school confusion. You know, those years where no body really understands who they are and everyone is yearning for an identity. I probably would have been too caught up in my youthful inmaturity to appreciate a good friend with a good head on her shoulders back then anyway. All besides the point, the point is that after reading Keen's writing, you realize you just may not be alone in the way you see the world, or at least you know that there is someone out there who at least stops to think about all the curveballs life throws at you. I usually just waste words on lower cases and capitals, she makes the words worth your while. I like her words, and I know when you read them, you will like them too. So I'm not just suggesting here, I am telling you read her blog! To do so click HERE.

Back to what I was saying:

I have always been planning. Some people say that it is a good habit to have. I was always told planning is preperation. So I planned, planned everything out to excruciating detail. I had my map and blue print for life, and it was going to turn out just the way I expected it too.

Then something happened: Life

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"-John Lennon

This last year has been a rough one, a rough one with good reason. I had lessons I needed to learn, and I guess the only way I was going to learn was trial by fire. Details aren't really important, but the lessons that I learned are. One thing I learned from all of it, my plan was flawed, and ultimately not where I was supposed to be going. It's not to say that the overall big picture changed, that stayed mostly in tact. However, all the details changed.

I had it all planned out. I was gonna do something with Psychology. It always interested me but I was getting increasingly turned off to the idea of sitting in the office all day dealing with the issues of winter. I didn't want the burden of knowing the deep personal problems of individuals and then just be expected to leave it at the door when I went home. However, a professional counselor told me I would be good at it. At the time, I didn't have an answer for myself, so I took his. I had dated girl a couple of years ago. Everything was falling into place. I had served my mission like I had planned all my life. I was home and ready to move on to the next step. The girl I found was a good one. We would drive for hours just talking. I felt at home, she was becoming my home. I started picturing us a few years down the road, married and dropping off our little one off so grandma could watch him while we were finishing up school. My son would run and play in the house that had been my home since I was 9 years old. The home that was the destination of memories. Life was turning out good for me. But it all changed. One summer day she told me "I just can't. I'm sorry.". My plans had been shattered. Her words were the brick, my plans were the window. Glass layed there shattered. Within a month, my parents had moved to Oregon. I stayed behind to go to school. I thought my home was going to be there anyway, she was becoming my home. Within days, I had no clue what I was doing anymore. Life happened.

Fast forward a year later. I am doing pretty good. I got a steady job. It pays crap but I have a job. I am moving ahead in school after a year of goofing off and not taking anything seriously. I am moving forward. My troubles are starting to be a thing of the past. I feel like I am growing up. I am rolling with the punches. Then everything just collapsed. It seemed like everyone I loved just dropped out of my life. With my family over 700 miles away, I soon found myself feeling homesick, but I had no where to call home anymore.

"Home. A place where no words necessarily need to be said and deep breathes can be taken. Where judgement will not get the best of you and love comes without any cost." - Kristen Warwick

That is what I missed. Home. I didn't have one anymore. No place to call home, no one to call home. My home wasn't where it used to be. The house I grew up was now occupied by strangers. It used to be my home, now it was someone else's. Life happened.

And then the eye of the storm descended upon me. The waves became rough. My ship started to sink. I was not the captain I thought I was. Fear overcame me. Life just became a drag. My maps had driven me to a sea I never intended to go. My maps, my plans, my problem.

Over the course of the last year, as I weathered storms I never had planned on, I realized something. Life is something you can't plan. Life happens. It is not planned.

Life doesn't always take us to where we planned, but if we see it through, it will always take us to where we need to be. As I look back, as painful as it was, I am glad my plans didn't pan out. I have never been to succesful when planning things by myself, so why was I planning my life by myself? Because we all do it. We all think we know exactly what needs to happen. We all seem to think we know what is best. We tend to think we are the compass, not the traveler. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying if we are headed to where we planned that we forget to look at the compass. Maybe we are scared in the direction it is pointing us. However, fear only keeps us where we are. Fear never gets us anywhere.

It is not to say that one will not encounter pain when going in the direction the compass points towards. In fact, it may be the more painful path for some. However, pain comes from love, and life without love is just mere existence. I would much rather live than just exist. It brings me back to another great experience blogged by Keen, read it Here. I can't help but think about the old man keen tells us about. Did he plan for the places life took him? Did he plan on the pain he felt from the loss of his sweet wife? Did he picture himself eating his breakfast at McDonalds alone during that summer day? Did he plan all that out? I am going to go out on a limb and say he didn't. However, from what keen tells us of his sweet wife, I am sure he would have lived his life a million times over, even with all the curveballs and pains that he has experienced, because life gave him his most precious wife. From the love described so simply by keen in the post, I can't help but think that life didn't turn out the way he planned. It turned out unimaginably better.

You can't plan love, You can't plan pain. You can't plan for the times where everyone seems to have the answers but you. You can't plan every detail out to your preference. If you did, you would be missing out on something far greater than you could ever plan. Life is life. I think we need to stop planning it and start living it.

It's not to say that planning doesn't have a place. It does. It at least gives us an idea of what to look for when life presents us with chances and it opens certain doors. But we shouldn't be discouraged when the plans seem to shatter. You may look at the glass on the pavement and wonder if life will ever be what it could have been. The harsh truth: No it won't, it will be better.

Life brings us to people, life brings late summer night conversations, life brings us the times when we laugh until tears are welling up in my hazel eyes. And it is at that moment when I think to myself 'This is better than anything I could have ever planned.'

So in the meantime:

Be patient with yourself

Love yourself

Love others

Give time it's space

And stop worrying, Life is just a ever unfolding event of good surprises. The kind of surprises like finding a five dollar bill in your jeans, of running into an old friend, of having your geology class cancelled so your monday actually ends on a good note, sitting in an applebees in salt lake, just enjoying the fact the your entire family is together in one place and for that 45 minutes, that booth is home. Yes, life is good, in the most unexpected way.

Giving life a chance,

The traveler who is living (not planning)

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a ballon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I am talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."- American Beauty