I had Plans but Life had Others

A year ago I had plans, I had plans 5 years ago, 10 years ago. I've always been planning.

Life had other plans for me though.

First, I want to let you know about a fellow blogger I will quote a couple times in this post. Her name is Kristen but the blogging world knows her as Keen. A few moons ago I was looking through blogs one winter day. I don't tell a lot of people but blogs fascinate me. Most people don't know I blog. Words are the only way I find expression and release. Anywho, so I stumbled upon this blog titled from keen. I read about ten posts right then and there. Keen has a gift. When you read her writing, it is as if she is talking to you in person. That is rare. I soon inquired more and found out that we actually went to high school together, same graduating class and all. We ran in different circles, so we didn't ever really know each other. I kinda wish we had though, she would have been a breath of fresh air in a sea of the high school confusion. You know, those years where no body really understands who they are and everyone is yearning for an identity. I probably would have been too caught up in my youthful inmaturity to appreciate a good friend with a good head on her shoulders back then anyway. All besides the point, the point is that after reading Keen's writing, you realize you just may not be alone in the way you see the world, or at least you know that there is someone out there who at least stops to think about all the curveballs life throws at you. I usually just waste words on lower cases and capitals, she makes the words worth your while. I like her words, and I know when you read them, you will like them too. So I'm not just suggesting here, I am telling you read her blog! To do so click HERE.

Back to what I was saying:

I have always been planning. Some people say that it is a good habit to have. I was always told planning is preperation. So I planned, planned everything out to excruciating detail. I had my map and blue print for life, and it was going to turn out just the way I expected it too.

Then something happened: Life

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"-John Lennon

This last year has been a rough one, a rough one with good reason. I had lessons I needed to learn, and I guess the only way I was going to learn was trial by fire. Details aren't really important, but the lessons that I learned are. One thing I learned from all of it, my plan was flawed, and ultimately not where I was supposed to be going. It's not to say that the overall big picture changed, that stayed mostly in tact. However, all the details changed.

I had it all planned out. I was gonna do something with Psychology. It always interested me but I was getting increasingly turned off to the idea of sitting in the office all day dealing with the issues of winter. I didn't want the burden of knowing the deep personal problems of individuals and then just be expected to leave it at the door when I went home. However, a professional counselor told me I would be good at it. At the time, I didn't have an answer for myself, so I took his. I had dated girl a couple of years ago. Everything was falling into place. I had served my mission like I had planned all my life. I was home and ready to move on to the next step. The girl I found was a good one. We would drive for hours just talking. I felt at home, she was becoming my home. I started picturing us a few years down the road, married and dropping off our little one off so grandma could watch him while we were finishing up school. My son would run and play in the house that had been my home since I was 9 years old. The home that was the destination of memories. Life was turning out good for me. But it all changed. One summer day she told me "I just can't. I'm sorry.". My plans had been shattered. Her words were the brick, my plans were the window. Glass layed there shattered. Within a month, my parents had moved to Oregon. I stayed behind to go to school. I thought my home was going to be there anyway, she was becoming my home. Within days, I had no clue what I was doing anymore. Life happened.

Fast forward a year later. I am doing pretty good. I got a steady job. It pays crap but I have a job. I am moving ahead in school after a year of goofing off and not taking anything seriously. I am moving forward. My troubles are starting to be a thing of the past. I feel like I am growing up. I am rolling with the punches. Then everything just collapsed. It seemed like everyone I loved just dropped out of my life. With my family over 700 miles away, I soon found myself feeling homesick, but I had no where to call home anymore.

"Home. A place where no words necessarily need to be said and deep breathes can be taken. Where judgement will not get the best of you and love comes without any cost." - Kristen Warwick

That is what I missed. Home. I didn't have one anymore. No place to call home, no one to call home. My home wasn't where it used to be. The house I grew up was now occupied by strangers. It used to be my home, now it was someone else's. Life happened.

And then the eye of the storm descended upon me. The waves became rough. My ship started to sink. I was not the captain I thought I was. Fear overcame me. Life just became a drag. My maps had driven me to a sea I never intended to go. My maps, my plans, my problem.

Over the course of the last year, as I weathered storms I never had planned on, I realized something. Life is something you can't plan. Life happens. It is not planned.

Life doesn't always take us to where we planned, but if we see it through, it will always take us to where we need to be. As I look back, as painful as it was, I am glad my plans didn't pan out. I have never been to succesful when planning things by myself, so why was I planning my life by myself? Because we all do it. We all think we know exactly what needs to happen. We all seem to think we know what is best. We tend to think we are the compass, not the traveler. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying if we are headed to where we planned that we forget to look at the compass. Maybe we are scared in the direction it is pointing us. However, fear only keeps us where we are. Fear never gets us anywhere.

It is not to say that one will not encounter pain when going in the direction the compass points towards. In fact, it may be the more painful path for some. However, pain comes from love, and life without love is just mere existence. I would much rather live than just exist. It brings me back to another great experience blogged by Keen, read it Here. I can't help but think about the old man keen tells us about. Did he plan for the places life took him? Did he plan on the pain he felt from the loss of his sweet wife? Did he picture himself eating his breakfast at McDonalds alone during that summer day? Did he plan all that out? I am going to go out on a limb and say he didn't. However, from what keen tells us of his sweet wife, I am sure he would have lived his life a million times over, even with all the curveballs and pains that he has experienced, because life gave him his most precious wife. From the love described so simply by keen in the post, I can't help but think that life didn't turn out the way he planned. It turned out unimaginably better.

You can't plan love, You can't plan pain. You can't plan for the times where everyone seems to have the answers but you. You can't plan every detail out to your preference. If you did, you would be missing out on something far greater than you could ever plan. Life is life. I think we need to stop planning it and start living it.

It's not to say that planning doesn't have a place. It does. It at least gives us an idea of what to look for when life presents us with chances and it opens certain doors. But we shouldn't be discouraged when the plans seem to shatter. You may look at the glass on the pavement and wonder if life will ever be what it could have been. The harsh truth: No it won't, it will be better.

Life brings us to people, life brings late summer night conversations, life brings us the times when we laugh until tears are welling up in my hazel eyes. And it is at that moment when I think to myself 'This is better than anything I could have ever planned.'

So in the meantime:

Be patient with yourself

Love yourself

Love others

Give time it's space

And stop worrying, Life is just a ever unfolding event of good surprises. The kind of surprises like finding a five dollar bill in your jeans, of running into an old friend, of having your geology class cancelled so your monday actually ends on a good note, sitting in an applebees in salt lake, just enjoying the fact the your entire family is together in one place and for that 45 minutes, that booth is home. Yes, life is good, in the most unexpected way.

Giving life a chance,

The traveler who is living (not planning)

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it is hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a ballon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I am talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."- American Beauty